Because Your Mine

     There is a room, wherein blood stains the walls, and a man lays with open wounds; his side torn through, his hands and feet pierced, his forehead a scarred mass, and shards of glass embedded deep within back. He is still; his tears a silent cascade upon his cheek. There is a Father kneeling by his side, his grief unspeakable; sorrow pouring out from the depth of His heart. I can see Him trembling as He tenderly holds His son’s hand. His heart is crying, His love growing; the very gravest of moments met. 

     They are there; in that room, and I am here. I am standing here on this little world, in my own little room, and I am thinking those little thoughts that Satan so delights in. I can feel the anger; unrighteous, impure. I allow those feelings of self-pity and pride to overtake my heart. The anger grows, and the pride overwhelms me. 

In that moment, I see a door, and a hand beckons to me. A voice sweet as honey rises within the place, calling me; telling me of all the wonderful things I will feel, all the riches I will gain in the world, and all the befits I can have should I go with them. My heart bounds and flutters. The then voice speaks of the anger; it tells me that I am not wrong, that these emotions are justly felt. I am convinced that I error in no way, I am convinced upon my actions. I feel no repentance, no guilt. I feel not even the pain I inflicted upon that person. For the voice so sweetly sings of my innocence.

     I begin to walk towards the voice, for it is enchanting, the door ever growing nearer, that voice ever sweeter. A serenade plays for me, and all around me I see wonderful things dancing in the sweet bliss of innocence. With every step, the anger I feel- however unjust- makes me feel wonderful inside. The long and slender fingers of her soft hands reached forth beyond the door to lead me within. Hesitantly I approach, but I can sense that something isn't as it seems. For I can feel something pulling at my heart from somewhere behind me. A sudden rush of panic strikes me, I look back, and I see them; the broken, bleeding Man and His Father. The Father is crying, He is calling to me!

In that moment I feel my heart beat just a little faster. I suddenly have the urge to run to them. For a reason which I can't explain, I feel like I need to be there with them. As if they are important in some magnificent way. I turn to go back, and anger begins to dissolve away like dust in the wind. 

     I run, my heart feeling the urgency, the necessity to run as far away from that door, the woman’s sweet song, and outstretched hand and to the Father and His Son. My legs ache, my sides burn, and I can barley breathe, but I keep running. My tears blind me. I don’t know why I cry, but the tears keep falling. I can’t see the rocks, on the road, my feet continue to stumble upon, and I fall. The road beneath me is rough and stoney, but I am too tired to rise.

     A sweet voice fills my ears yet again, it is pleasing and refreshing. It is as if a sweet spring washes over and quenches the thirst which I my body so craves. I close my eyes and listen. It beckons me again, but this time it speaks of the place where I can sleep, where I can rest and focus on myself and my needs, for what would I have with a Father and a Son who is dying? What connection do we have? Why should I go to a place where there is suffering when I can rest in peace here; a place I need not run too, for it is already before me. 

     I look around and I see another door. It is open and laughter echoes forth. I hear the people, and I can almost see the life within. I stand; my legs barley holding me, and I walk a little closer; looking to see if the sounds were the picture I thought was within. I reach to open the door a little more. It was cold, like stone, and I drew my hand away, but a hand came forth and grasped my wrist like an iron clasp. I pulled away, but it drew me nearer; the voice grew deep and raspy, the woman’s hand-a claw- griped me and dugs her nails into my arm. Her laughter cold and evil filled my ears, and knew I had been deceived. 

     I felt my heart give, my legs fell from beneath me. Fear strangled my heart, I couldn't speak. I tried to pull away; I clawed at the ground, but the grip only tightened. The monster began to drag me within the room. But then I saw Him again. He was calling me. I could see Him, He left His son’s side and was calling me. His tears flooded the room, His Son bleeding more; His blood puddling about Him in pools. The claw continued to drag me, farther and farther from His calling. 

     I screamed, I cried out for Him to save me, to rescue me. This beast I followed was nothing but an empty dark spirit, come to drag me away with it. I felt the iron clasp ever tightening. “Help me.” I cried. I felt panic and exhaustion overwhelm me. My eyes grew laden, my cries fainter. I saw His Son again, His body writhing in pain. The voice came again, her raspy laughter filling the air with putrid evil, “Look at us, and what we have done to the fool” she laughed. 

     My heart lurched within me, horror wrenching my insides. I did that to Him? He was bleeding and dying because of me? My soul trembled. A multitude of voiced hissed about my head, little black shadows surrounded me, their laughter knotting my insides. Little claws clung to my arms, and legs. ‘I’m pride.’ One shadow hissed into my ear.

‘I am unforgivness.’

‘My name is sloth.’ the horrid voices filled the pit of my heart with terror. Shivers raced up my spine. I felt my heart die within me. More names filled my ears, the hissing and laughter every more audible. Had I truly befriended these beasts by listening to those voices who spoke of rest and my innocence? 

Sorrow overwhelmed me. Was my sin the cause of this Sons misery? Then why was His Father calling me? Look at what I did. 

In a frantic burst of energy I began to scream. I knew that I couldn’t die before He knew my heart. “I’m sorry!” I cried. I tried to get up again, and run towards Him one last time, but the claws pulled me back. The little shadows clung to me pulling me to the ground again. All around the sky turned black, everything disappeared into the empty dark. I couldn’t see anything, not even His face. I could only hear the horrid laughter of the witch in my ears, and the hissing of the shadows. It echoed throughout me, haunting my every thought. “Get off of me!” I screamed while frantically struggling under their steadfast grip.  

     Too tired to move; to tired to cry out; too exhausted to struggle, I laid still. My silent sobs shook me, and my body trembled. “I’m sorry,” my heart cried “I have let these voices drive me from you, even as I knew I needed to be with you. Please take me away from here...I need You”

      Then I felt it; a hand upon my head. I looked up in a start, and I saw His eyes. He was looking down at me, His tears falling drop by drop on the ground in front of me. The monsters behind me screamed and writhed. She grasped at me, dragging me away from the Father again, the little shadows overcame me. I cried out. The Father stood strait and light began to fill the dark. Everything around us began glow, my eyes burned, and I was forced to close them; the light so pure and bright. Then He spoke; His voice powerful and deep. “You no longer have the right to hold onto this Child. She is Mine and I am here to claim her. Release her now and begone you beast.” 

     My breast quavered within me, and my heart leapt at the sound of His voice. He was here to claim me, even as His Son was dying because of me and sin I chose?! All at one the steadfast grip loosened, and I felt strong arms lift me. The light had dimmed, and I was able to look again. I was in His arms, and He was carrying me away. I looked up at His face, afraid for a moment; this powerful being whose Son I just aided in wounding, was carrying me some place; but when He found my eyes, I saw through His swelling tears a love that engulfed me. I felt sorrow rise up within me again. How could He love me after this? Why did He save me?

     He set me down beside His Son and began to weep again. Through my own tears I look down upon Him. The blood and cuts covering His precious face. His eyes were shut. And I knew He was gone. I felt sobs catch in my throat, a moan filled the room. The Son was dead.

     “No!” I cried as I laid my hand tenderly upon His beaten and bruised breast. My tears began to fall upon His wounds, and run off His sides. For three days and three nights the Father and I wept. 

On the third night I looked again at His face, so beaten and scared, I searched for some sign of life, when His eyes opened. He looked at me, I felt my Spirit quaver. His eyes were bright, and full of life. I blinked, not believing what I saw. But He continued to gaze upon my face, and then He smiled. “You’re safe now,” He quietly whispered. “They won’t ever take you away from me again.”

     I looked up at His Father, “Why?”  

     “Because I Love You. Because You’re mine.”

Open My Eyes

     She smiles constantly; always speaking of the beautiful things in life. There is delight in her eyes when she speaks. I feel at peace and refreshed when in her company.  Even when things are hard, it never comes out because she sees things in their glory. She sees the world beyond the grey sky and mist fall of dreary droplets. The world cries, hearts break, the dirt and grime of the sinful world collect and multiply day by day, and yet she still sees beauty. She is the dancing sunshine through the clouded day.
     I wonder often what it is that she sees. My heart only feels the heart break of the people all about me. I cry and mourn for them unable to do anything save to pray. And though I know that it is good to pray and sympathize with their pain, I feel that I am missing something. I am missing the simple joy of being alive for another day; of the beauty that God created all around me. I am missing out on the smiles and delight that God created for me.
     I want God to open my eyes to the world that she sees. I want to see beyond the grey sky into the heart of God which surrounds me everyday. There is so much beauty in this world, in these people that hurt and cry. I want God to show me that beauty and I want to meditate on that joy and let that joy shine in my eyes and in my heart, the same way it does in the eyes of that beautiful girl, glowing with the radiance of Christ.

Open my eyes God, to You, and Your beauty, and the things You have created just for me!

     It is so easy to question what I believe God is leading. It is so easy to give into my own heart and the things that I have dreamed about all these years. I want so bad to do what God wants for me, and I want so bad to make my parents feel proud, to make the people I love so bad believe in me and my objectives.

     At this point I just want God to clearly show me what He really wants me to do...

It's not my life- Why am I so worried?

     As I drove to work this morning, I rolled down the windows, and let the cool Autumn breeze embrace me, and as the music surrounded me, and the clouds-white billowing puffs of mountainous mass covering the horizon- I felt like I could breathe. The crisp and refreshing air filling not simply my lungs but the deeper and more intimate part of me, was as if I were drinking from a sacred spring of precious water; yet not just a precious water, but a drink that quenched a thirst not physical but Spiritual. I felt washed and refined. It was sweet like honey, and yet a warm and fuzzy feeling that filled my stomach.

    Somedays can be so hard as I try to be patient as God leads me. Somedays I just want everything to stop spinning, to stop moving; to stand completely still; completely quite. I know deep inside my heart that God is here, and that as each new day arises that He is going to not just give me strength for that day but also for the next day. Somedays I wonder why He asks some people to do hard things. Somedays I wonder why He chose me for what I feel so called to do, and walk through these next few years. Sometimes I wish for just a moment that I could see what would happen down the road as I walk so blindly by God's side.  Somedays, I can't stop thinking though everything, I try to make sense of things that are simply not suppose to make sense that day.

     Last time I wrote-more an week ago- I wrote of love, and how I feel so convicted to carry a selfless, sacrificial heart. I have realized that it isn't just love, that should be centered on a selfless, sacrificial heart, but also my every day; my very life objectives. Or rather that my love for God should be leading my life in a selfless and sacrificial train of thought.
  
     I truly desire with everything in me to do with my life what God desires, but sometimes it isn't easy when I feel pressured buy the people I love so dearly to do something that I don't believe God is leading.  I don't understand why God would ask things of me that people don't understand, but I suppose I don't understand God.
  
     As each day comes and goes, I feel renewed and a growing passion within my self to give my life to God; which includes my heart, dreams, desires, and even the desire for approval from the ones I love; it means be willing to give up everything that is precious to me for the sake of living my life for Christ.

    I know I may not be prepared for what will happen, or what this sacrifice may entail for my future, but  I suppose if I've truly given my life to Christ completely than it isn't my life to be concerned about any more. I am a heart in a body, here to simply give what is gifted in me to God and the people He surrounds me with.

    I know it may not be easy, and people won't understand why I chose to do something that doesn't make sense in the worlds eyes, but why am so worried about it if it isn't my life anymore?

    That breath of air this morning, it filled me and completed me for a time. Everywhere around me and in everything I do, I'm seeing God's finger prints. It's okay to wonder, but I know I don't need worry. I'm giving my life and my desires to God. What ever happens, what ever He does with it, it is in His hands.

    My prayer tonight is that God would fill me with a peace and fire that burns for Him alone.

My Quiet Abode

     I gaze about my quiet abode and I wonder how things can be so quiet for so long. My life now is constantly filled with silent waiting as I pace and attempt to figure out how God is going to work this all out. In my mind I see only one or two ways that would makes sense, but I am looking at this situation through the eyes of a human where impossible is a word and where 'dreams come true' aren't frequent. I can't see things the way that God does. He is up in the sky- in the heaven looking down not just at me but at this entire world; and He can see how every little thing said, done, or thought effects everyone in this world. I see me and the few people around me-that is all.
    
     I know it must be possible for God to have a completely different idea of how this situation will play out and how He will bring us to the place that He has waiting for us. We can't just walk over there and begin to work. I know God has to prepare us for not just the work but the journey to that place that He is bringing us, slowly but surely. I am so afraid sometimes of the journey the idea of certain situations and road blocks that might and probably will arise. I wonder am I truly ready to do this? Am I really the person God wants to walk this road. Part of me wonders am I even worthy to be the one to walk this road. I want to live and unordinary life, but can I really qualify to be that person living the life I've been given to do what my heart longs so much to do.
    
     I want to be God's hope and comfort and love to His people. I want to be the one who walks every day with the motive of giving everything I have to God and to His people. I want to be the one who's shoulder is always wet with the tears of hurting, lost people. I want to be the wife and help mate to the man that walks and talk in a way that people understand and feel appreciated and loved, and who can see the very face of God shining from his eyes. I don't want to have things of this world or to live a life that has approval of men, but to live a life where nothing is my own, where I spend my days with hurting people, clothing them, feeding them, talking with them and loving them with a love that only God can give. I don't want my life to be easy, simply working and taking care of my immediate family. I want my life to be working and taking care of God's family. I can't just decide to be that woman, or the wife of that man. It is something that God has to prepare me for; something that He has to create in me. And it isn't going to be easy. And I know that.
    
      In my mind I see things that will need to happen to bring me to that place, but also in my mind there are only a few ways of getting to that place. Something I am realizing now is that, sometimes there is a bigger plan and an entirely different way that God is going to take me to get me to that point. As human I see through a humans eyes, and I work myself up and worry, and when things don't work out the way I expect sometimes instead of identifying what God just did and the ways that He just moved in my life, I focus instead on what didn't happen and how hard things became.
    
     This journey that I am walking through with God and with my family and my friends, is not a journey  that I can plan, it a journey where I wake up each day and I ask 'where are we going today'. I can't plan where we are going or what should happen, I just quietly wait on God to lead me there and as troubles and road blocks arise, then I stop and with God we work through it. Sometimes I want things to work out a certain way and I am scared of it not working out that way, and I am often so tired of just quietly waiting for God to clearly lead me somewhere where the scenery changes and I can see things moving about me. I wonder where God went. I have hard time waiting. I want to work now and be that person now, and when it doesn't feel like I am going anywhere I become restless and desperate.
    
     God has a plan though, He knows where I want to be, but also knows where He wants me, when He wants me there, and the things that need to happen in me to prepare me for that work. So even though my room is quiet and I may not feel like anything is changing, God has bigger eyes that see much more than I.

      I will wait for the day when You come and give Your dreams for me the wings that will carry us away. I will wait in this quiet room until You come and take me by the hand and lead me to the next road. Maybe I am walking now and I just don't realize it. Maybe when the night ends and the sun comes up again, I will realize that this whole time I thought nothing was happening, You really took me over mountains and deserts. I guess I won't know until the sun comes up and the birds wake up and fill this room with song again. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait.

I love you

"Me and God were talking again today, and He told me something wonderful about what it means to really love you. 
I realized that:
It isn't about the things you do for me, or the place that you have in my life now or in the future, but rather being able to encourage you (the one person I wish most of all to see shine with the glory of God) to seek God's desire for you, and to help you get to the place He is leading you. It isn't about who you are for me, it is loving you for who you are for God. It's about being there and doing everything in me to come to your side and help you. Not to have you wait on me and serve me, but to help you wait on and serve God. This life, and this love we share; it isn't about us or how we can better serve each other, but rather, how we can better serve God together...

God and I had a pretty deep conversation. I was kind of taken aback by the reality of what it really means to love you and to help you. It isn't about me at all...in any way...it is about you and helping you succeed for God... "


The more I think about what it means to truly love someone the more humbled I feel. I am ashamed to look at myself and see how often I have so thoughtlessly disregard what that means. I say a thousand times 'I love you', but so much more often then not, my actions are not standing up in those words. I can't possibly count the number of times I have told myself, 'love is not about you', and yet I still allow those selfish thoughts and emotions to override the truth of real 'God love'.  God doesn't love us because of anything we do, or anything we say, and when we aren't acting our part in our relationship between God and us, He doesn't stop loving us, He doesn't find some excuse or reason to hold a grudge against us. Why is it that so often I think 'well God is God, He understands why I do and say the things I do, He knows I can't be perfect however hard I try,' but I don't hold myself accountable to hold other people in that same light. I think 'they should know better than to say or do that, or to not say or do something'. I think that I have the right to be offended and hurt and to hold a grudge against them. It so often about how they treat me or make me feel. But aren't they just as human as I? And aren't the same mistakes that they are making with me -the ones that they should know better then to do- the same ones I am making in my relationship with God? And yet He still forgives me and loves me...
God is not selfish, if He was then we would have no life, no hope of being saved. 


Why do I think I have the right to be concerned about the way things people do and say effect me? Why do I think I have any right to assume that anyone owes me anything? 


If I truly love someone-that can be anyone; my husband, my mother or father, my brothers and sisters, friends and even strangers- then I should be more concerned about how what I am doing effects them and how I can help them. Love is not about what you receive, I think it more so about what you give. God gave everything, why I should I only give part? 


I have prayed a thousand times, 'God teach me how to love like you do, show me what that means.' He shows me and maybe it means something for a day, but I am so quickly sucked into this world and my sinful flesh that I quickly forget again. And I lose sight of what it means to love someone. 


I think if I can go into any relationship whether, friend, sister, daughter, or wife with the objective to serve them and to help them be their best and do their best for God, how can I wrong? If I am constantly doing everything in me to serve and to give, because I love them, then how is it, that, it easy to get so wrapped up in myself and the way things effect me? 


I want to love you the way God loves you and the way God loves me. I want to come to your side, not expecting anything from you, but to simply pour myself out for you. I want to give until there is nothing left to give. 


I want to love like God does. 


I want you to be all you can for God, not for me or for anyone else. 


I want to love you the way God desires you to be loved.

Waiting-My wish is that Your will be done, not mine.

     Right now I feel peaceful when I think about where God has us right now and what He is preparing us for. (Us being my family, and Alex and I) I feel like it has been a long last couple months, a lot of uncertainties and confusion. But through all the ups and downs of these last few months, I beginning to truly understand why it is so important to have those ups and downs.

     I feel like I have learned so much in these last few weeks. I have a new depth of patience for waiting for something I don't even know how to prepare myself for. I am beginning to feel like I can really trust God with where He is leading us. A couple months ago Alex was given a choice to choose to move down to me know and get married in a year or so, or to wait a couple years and get done his school and then come for me. Alex really sought out God's desire in it and he really felt like he was  supposed to stay where he was at the time. It was decision no one really understood. I don't know even if I truly understood his decision either. There were so many benefits to him moving out to me now and just getting married. But even though no one understood it, he stuck to it. A month later we found out we may have to move, now we aren't sure that we have to move now, but it is a serious possibility in a couple months. If Alex had given into what he wanted and what I wanted and what the people around us thought was best, my family could have been stuck here in New York, or we would have had to move and left Alex here in New York. But God knew that and because Alex obeyed and listened we aren't in that position and my family is able to go where God is leading us. 

    That situation; that experience opened my eyes to a God that could see into things and care enough about me, and Alex and my family to guide us through these last few months and decisions. I always knew He had a plan for me, and Alex, and my family, but I am beginning to see how huge and in depth those plans are. Right now I am to the point of not trying to plan anything anymore. I know if I seek God's direction in everything I do He will lead me to where He wants me, and cares about where I am and what I am doing. God sees that we can't begin to imagine. 

     In our minds and our humans eyes, things may seem wise and smart and practical, and when God says no to something we can't understand, we often get so flustered and irritated; sometimes even denying that God would say that or require that something from you because it doesn't make sense. But sometimes is isn't suppose to make sense. We can't see between the lines, all we see is what is happening around, but sometimes there more happening then what we see at first. 

     The more think about everything I want in life and everything I have ever dreamed of, the more I wonder if I really want it. I don't want my will anymore, I want what God wants for me. He understands better then anyone, how He can best use me, what I need most, and what would truly be a blessing. If could have a wish, I don't I think I would want to use it. What could I possible wish for? I don't want to be any richer than God has made me, I don't want to be any wiser and more experienced then I am now, I don't want anything that I don't have now, because I believe that God has a reason for everything in my life. I have a perfect amount of money and God has given the experiences I have need; He has given me everything need right now. Why would I want to add or take away from that?

     God's dreams are so much sweeter than my own. I am seeing first hand the truth in that. Alex and I long for each other more everyday, but God knows that and He is preparing us for the day when we can be together. I believe that now...it still doesn't make the distance any easier...I do ache for him, I feel lonely and long just to be with him again. 

     I still have no clue what is going to happen in this year, I don't know where my family will be, or what we will be doing. Or where Alex I and will be. But I think I am finally okay with just waiting. I am actually kind of excited to see what will happen. Its so grand mystery just waiting to be discovered. I know that though the days may get harder and the time become longer God will use it. We will have a happy ending someday. That day may be when we are all in heaven together with God, or tomorrow, or in a couple years. When ever it may be, I will wait for God's timing. 

Today is a good day. I feel peaceful. It may not last forever, but at least I will always know that God is here and guiding Alex and I, and my family. 

It isn't about me...

I think to myself, why do I feel that I have a right to complain to God and to think I have the right to ask Him to make things easier for me? How can I sit there and complain about how hard my life is, and be so unwilling to stand up in God and face the life I have been given? Why do I think I deserve anything; whether it is to be treated with a certain respect or that I should have something particular because I earned it? Why do I sit here and become so depressed when things doing work out perfectly and easy for me? I ask ‘How much longer will you make me go through this God?’ I plead ‘Please don’t make this so hard. Please help me!’ and I think that He should help and that He should make things easier. But how can I ask that when I am constantly failing Him? When I constantly ignore Him, believe that I know better, that I have a better understanding of things? How can I think I deserve anything? 

My God gave me everything; His son, my life, forgiveness, grace and mercy. He made His son go under sever torture for me even as I sit here and practically spit in His face! And I have the gaul to think I deserve something beautiful. If it wasn’t for Jesus, I would have nothing, not with the selfish life, and attitude I have carried through my life. The only reason I have anything today is because a gracious God choose through His loving grace and mercy. It has nothing to do with what I have done, what I have given, or what I deserve. Only because He loved me. 

The realization that I really shouldn’t have anything through this life that I have lead, makes me really look at what I do have and appreciate it in a whole new and refined way. I think I am beginning to understand what God meant when He said that He loves me.  I am beginning to understand the depth of God’s Mercy and Grace. 

If only I could truly love God the way He loves me. I remember being eight or nine years old, and sitting in church, and as they sang to God I remember closing my eyes and just listening for God’s voice. It was the first time I ever heard God’s voice so clearly in my little heart. ‘I love you, Leah’ I remember a warm tingling sensation filling me up and a coolness, as if God were above my head sprinkling cool refreshing water onto my face. That was my first encounter with God and beginning to understand that He was real and that He truly loved me. I remember from that time I began to pray that God would show me His love. At first it was a little prayer, but as the years progressed and my relationship with Christ grew I began to pray in a deeper way. My prayer today is that God would teach me how to Love like He does and that His love would fill up from the inside and overflow out of me like a river wetting everyone around me with His loving Grace and Mercy. 

I am beginning to truly see Him revealing His love to me in so many different ways. I now understand that His love is deeper and more intimate then I believe I will ever be able to comprehend. But I also see Him teaching me slowly, but surely what it really means to love. We have had to repeat so many lessons due to the selflessness of my flesh interfering. But by the grace of God’s patience I am believe I am learning. 

Love is selfless, love is kind, love is understanding, love is true, love isn’t given because we deserve it but because God is holy, merciful and gracious. 

     I am feeling very humbled today. If only we could all understand God's love, perhaps there wouldn't be such strife and sorrow between us...

I want to be the Maiden in my hearts eye

     I say I am alright, but I wonder if I am. I want to scream and run. I don’t feel like I am handling this situation the way God wants me too. In my mind I envision a maiden, calm and gentle, whom believes more in God and in His plans than in what is happening around her. She takes things and gives them right to God. She doesn’t drive herself crazy trying to understand what God has purposely left a mystery for her. She is beautiful and graceful and her priorities are where they should be. She doesn’t let the chaos of the world infect her and her life. She takes each day and searches for the blessings that God gives...even when the world around her is as dark as the starless night and the foul language and hateful words hiss about her ears and heart. She hears the cries of the needy and knows how to help them without letting it take over her and infect her soul with worry and anxiety. In everything she does she is gracious and understanding. She is beautiful and graceful and forgiving and her words silk like honey. She doesn’t laugh at evil things in jest or in hurt and anger. She doesn’t even think of those evil plots and avenging ideas. She wouldn’t ever imagine hurting a person, physically or emotionally, she never threatens and never desires it. Her heart is completely devotes to God and to the people He places in her life, in her daily walk. You see her and she is shining, the eyes alight with love and compassion. Her gentle touch softens even the hardest of hearts. Her heart so pure her her actions proclaim it. And yet when you look into her face, you don't see the soft sweet lips, and the bejeweled eyes, you see Jesus Christ alive and breathing in her. You see the works of God, and the love of God so full and brimming that is washes your feet in the precious fountain of grace and God's love. 

I desire more then anything else in the world to be like her. But I feel so foul and ugly. I would never really hurt someone, but isn’t threatening and laughing about the idea just as terrible as the action? What about how I go crazy trying to make sense of everything when it is obvious that I am not supposed to understand? I feel like I have become callused. I look back even just a year from now and I remember how disturbed I was to hear such cruel things come from my friends mouths, and yet I look at me now and those very same words come from my mouth.  I use to be understanding and patience, but right now I feel so far from that. It is the most disturbing thing I have ever felt. Where am I? Why am I suddenly acting and thinking like this? What happened to me being calm and a little more understanding then I am now? What happened to my heart felt convictions about the way I spoke and thought of people? What happened to me simply forgiving them and being able to in turn think and pray for them and not let them hurt me and effect me? I think part of me feels like I need to protect myself now.  I don’t know. I feel like the fragile thing I was before has been totally erased because I decided that I need to be my own strength...I hate it. I want to feel like I am being protected. I want to know that someone is there that will do everything and anything to be my shield and strength. I know God is...I guess I just don’t trust Him enough. But  I am only a fake tough and I won’t be able to stand up to people forever. I am already breaking down. I really need to let myself be myself and let God and the other men in my life protect me. I am wearing myself out. I can’t do this anymore. 

I feel so far away from being even a small example of this maiden my heart seems to know so well. I want be different like she is. I want to be there for people like she is. I want my words to be silk like honey soothing the restless hurting hearts of God's precious people.  I want God to shine in my eyes the same way He does in her eyes. I want to be patience and trusting like she is. I want to stop trying to make sense of things when God simply requires me to believe in Him and His plans for me. 

A Bend in the Road

     It seems as though my life is in the hands of an author who desires to give His audience a story which will keep them on the edge of their seats, scared, thrilled, waiting to see what could possibly happen next. It is unique and yet so full of normal life. I wonder when, if ever, I will be able to sit and simply enjoy where He has me at in life. Time tends to move faster then I have to process and understand why things happen the way they do.
     I know that through ever journey these past 16 and a half years have held have been full of lessons and touch situations. But I also feel like all of those adventures and rough situations have really played into developing who I am today. Now I am waiting again to see where God is going to take us next.
     My Daddy was let go yesterday, so he is looking for a new job. But there is a chance we might have to move away again. I can't help but wonder if it will bring me closer to Alex. I am hoping in my heart that it does but I know that no matter what I hope, God's plans stand in my life. Part of me is afraid of where I'll be, and how it will interfere with all the dreams I have. I don't want to leave the people that I love so  much.
      A year ago, if the possibility of moving became reality I would have been ecstatic. I was looking for every way to get out of New York. I wanted to get away from all of the pain and confusion I was feeling. I wanted to try to start over. I was loosing touch with my friends, our church fell apart, and we were desperately struggling to find something to live for. We wanted to know what God had for us here in New York. Everything felt so hopeless and empty. But God kept us here, and closed all the doors. Since then we have become part of a church we love. The hearts there reach out and touch each other, we are coming together for God. My mom, sister and I started in the worship team and fell in love with it. I started working, and fell in love with the people I work with. I have been touched and have touch others. I feel like I have a purpose here. I feel like God has been using me and has been using others in my life. My family was able to help my uncle and cousin because we stayed. We gave them a home, and tried to give them a place where they felt welcome and loved.
      The idea of leaving everything God has done in this last year is depressing. I know God's plans are so much bigger then me, but sometimes it is so hard to keep walking and never seeing where I am going, until I am gone and can look back on it. I do want what He wants for me. But it will be hard to leave this all behind.

    

He is here

     This last week has been crazy and full to brim of amazing encounters, lonely hours, and heart breaking news. I have been lonely, scared, excited, sad and confused. I think more anything else simple confused. More anything in the world, I want to know that every hour; every day of my life I am seeking God's face in everything I do. I want my life to be simply consumed with God whether I am a 'Missionary', or a simple girl with a simple life, and simple job, being who God created me to be. I believe in the deepest, most sacred part of my heart, that God has a plan, and that He really can use me even when He hasn't asked me to go across the world and witness to starving people. I think that sometimes I can help more people by being a normal person who simply loves God and loves people and wants to be there for people. I know that I don't have to be a pastors wife, a missionary, a Christian singer to really use my life for Christ. I think that He can call me to a certain job or career because He wants to use me there. Perhaps there are situations where God doesn't care what you do or where you go, but I don't believe that is always the case, especially when it comes to what I want to do with my life.

     After looking back over the years, I can't help but to see God's hand in everything that has taken place. That includes the friends I have had, the people I have met and talked with, every time I have moved, my relationship with Alex, my relationship with my sisters and brothers. God has woven things together, opened doors, closed doors, and brought people into my life (at times only for a couple days), that have guided me and brought me to the point that I am at right now. I really think that there is so much more to life that what we can possibly imagine. We are talking about a God who created us, died for us, cares about our individual lives, and has a plan for each of us. Why would He not be completely involved in our lives and working invisibly in our lives to guide us and prepare us for what He whats us to do?

     Maybe it all depends on how much you desire for Him to guide you and lead you in everything. Maybe it all depends on where your heart is in relation to living your every day for God. Is there ever a time when you can be over consumed with God? Is there ever a time when you shouldn't give Him credit for the wonderful things that have occurred in your life? I believe that often we may think that God is leading us to do something, but we later realize that we were not hearing Him. But in those times, you take a step back and again seek God's will for you. How can someone be wrong in seeking God's will in everything? How can anyone be naive if they are truly putting aside all self desires to pursue what they feel God may be leading them to do? Why would it be wrong to say that 'I think that God is leading me to do this'? It isn't like saying that 'God said I had to do this'. I feel like in saying that 'I think that God is leading me somewhere', it is not saying that 'I know this was God' without being really sure that it was God. I feel like I would simply be saying that 'I think this is what He wants me to do, but I am not completely sure yet'.

     In many ways I feel like a tapestry right now. I feel like God is weaving situations, emotions, and convictions together into one beautiful picture. I am seeing how things and situations from when I was a child are creating this picture. I am seeing how things my parents say, respected elders, personal convictions and all of these different situations that I have been through are adding to this picture. I don't know what this will all look like years from now, but the point right now is that I can see and I understand that God has a design and that He is working in my life creating this work of art right now. Even the little, not so obvious stitches make a huge impact in the finished work.

     An amazing example as to how God has woven things together in my life has been the reconnection with my very first best friend from Texas. After many years of having no communication, I was able to chat with her on Facebook. We talked about things God was doing in both our lives. I couldn't believe how much God had worked in very similar ways in both of our lives. For the first time I didn't feel so alone in my convictions and the life I was trying to live. Here was a girl I loved who this whole time was going through similar things; a girl whom shared my convictions. I was six years old when I moved away from her. 10 almost 11 years have passed since then, and here we see everything God has done, and we are able to encourage and inspire each other. God ministered to me through someone I loved very dearly and yet never expected to be so encouraged by. He knew exactly what I need.
    
     Sometimes I don't understand why life has to be so confusing and why things have to be so hard. But I know that I can't let my worries and doubt get in the way of my faith in what God can do and the dreams I believe that He has for me.

Touch-I am not alone

Touch-I am not Alone

I soak in the crisp, sweet breeze whom gently tugs on my hair, begging me to run with it and dance in the sunset. There is magic in the brush strokes of heavenly landscape; the colors so vivid and true it I almost imagine it is breathing, and I can almost catch the quiet whispers from its little voice praising and worship the Master to whom all glory and honor belong. Every where around me I see the evidence that fairy dust was sprinkled; the weeping willow sways in the gentle breeze and I imagine if fairies where real they would be singing and swinging from the graceful vines with their angelic voices raised heavenward and it would be a song that all of the world could sing along with. The birds and bees would join the chorus, and even the mute and deaf would add noise to the beautiful orchestra. I sit here in awe at these breathe taking images; everything around me lit up and glowing as if by angel light. Everything is so lovely, that I feel I cannot sit another moment without the company of a friend or a loved one. 

Rising I search for a dear one to share the lovely evening with. Yet everywhere I turn and to every person I speak with, there is a duty which they need to preform, some responsibility which keeps them from joining me. From person to person I walk, longing just for a moment with them. But every where I go I am turned away. I cannot talk to them, I cannot touch them. I slowly return to my seat overlooking the magnificent view before me. Yet the magical enchantment which captured my heart just moments ago fades away and I am left looking out into empty space. 

Why does it feel so often that when I am finally free to be with people, to love and give my full attention to the dear ones of my heart, they are not free to be with me? Must this be such a lonely road? Yet, when I say I am lonely, I don't mean that I am alone, I mean that there is place missing inside of me somewhere. I will never be alone, but I can feel lonely when these people I love so dearly are so far away and at times so unreachable; when it feels like I can't touch them, and they can't touch me. What I need in these moments, is to reach out and touch the heart of God and allow Him to touch mine. 

      

It is Called Romance

With closed eyes and a soft smile upon my lips, I sit in wonder at him, trying to comprehend how any human could love me when I see constantly how I fail him. He loves me even while my imperfections are so prominent in my life and I am blown away at the very thought. Sometime I feel as though I am leaf on a tree and a single magnificent thought can sweep through the branches of my abode and carry me away on this silent breeze so much bigger than I am. How can anyone love someone so much that those imperfection are so completely  understood and even loved. And I ask while myself feeling as though I couldn’t love this man any more myself. I love him for his mistakes and his imperfections, I love everything about him; who he is, who isn’t, who want’s to be, his heart and anything and everything else related to him. Two years ago I would have never been able to comprehend a love to real and undying. 

What amazes me if the fact that it seems to be so much easier to feel so in love with a human; who is still a sinner however hard they try to be perfect, and yet I haven’t felt that same love for a perfect, selfless, completely faithful, forgiving and loving God; someone who was once a man and gave up everything for me. There is one who loves me more then that man I am so in love with ever could. There is one who continues to love even as I forget Him and run from Him. He more then a Father, He should be the very lover of my soul. 

It is sickening to think of how I have so abused His love for me. When things hard , instead of trusting Him, I yell at Him and demand an answer. I want  what I want when I want it. I don’t like when things don’t work out the way I think they should. I blame God for the pain and struggles, I feel angry and sometimes even forgotten. But why would someone who loves me enough to die for me even when I sit here and sin time and time again suddenly leave me? Why would He do something to hurt me? Why would He forget me? Why would He lead me somewhere and then decide to drop me off in the middle of the road to fend for myself? Men and Women might do that, but a God who loves like our God would not abandon me. So why do I question what He is doing in my life and where He is leading me? If there is any being in the world and beyond it that I should be trusting it should be the one who can do anything, understands everything, and loves unconditionally. Why do I at time choose to trust the humans over my God? 

The same Romance between a man and a woman should be something that I should be experiencing with my God; my King; my Lord. He loves me so much more than my man, He loves me so much more then I could ever imagine. His love is perfect, undying, selfless and faithful. 

As I sit here, I realize how inept I can be. A real relationship with God should be a real romance. I should want to sit here and wonder at Him and his love the same way I am about the man I love. I should want everyone to know about Him and His love the way I want everyone to know about my man’s love. I should want to praise Him and worship Him and live for Him with a passion beyond anything I have experienced. 

All I can think as I ponder this is how I have so failed my God’s love for me. He is the very center of my life and heart and yet my love often is out of obedience and obligations rather then a heart full and over flowing with love. He is so awesome, so holy and perfect. He is beyond a prince charming, He is a Lord crying out for my love in return for everything He has given up for me.  

If I can love a man with all my heart, I should be able to love my Lord beyond what my heart can describe. If I can’t understand how and why a man can love me with all my flaws. How can I even begin to comprehend how my God loves me? I should be bedazzled by Him. 

Heart Giggles

The name of this blog comes from an essay I wrote about a year ago.
For me the most important thing I can do right now is to praise God and look for the little things in life He gives me to make smile, instead of wallowing in self pity. I have discovered that when I become so consumed in how hard things are and being to question why God would allow me to go through certain situations, I am not able to give Him my all. I am not able to give to the people around me. My life becomes all about me. I don't want that. I want to be happy even when it is rough. I want to be able to give everything I have to God and the people in my life.




'Did you see the meadow today? Did you close your eyes and lie embraced in a world of vivid colors and magical sounds? Did you note the way the thin, flexible, green stems were able to hold up the buds of their blooming flowers? Everything was so beautiful and perfect. Every scent and sound entranced my heart and mind; capturing it up in a little feeling, a beautiful emotion. In that moment I could feel my heart beat and then begin giggling; that little girl in me delighted with the beauty. Have you ever heard of that- a giggling heart? It is a queer thing. I find it is odd how so many people are oblivious to the meaning of that expression. And perhaps you are asking the very question: “What is a giggling heart?”

This is a question not easily answered. It is a question based off of opinion and personal thought. Yet if you were to ask me where my opinion of a giggling heart stood I would answer simply that it is a vivid expression of delight. How did I come to this opinion, you may ask. Well it all began with my thoughts of a heart and a giggle. 

What heart am I referring to? I cannot possibly mean that the organ which circulates blood through my body is in fact giggling; laughing with short repeated breaths. But then, what do I mean when I say that my heart has begun to giggle? What heart can giggle? When I say and speak of that heart, I am referring to that thought and person inside of me. That place, where ever it may be, that is the center of my emotions and character. That place where every thought and feeling is berthed. It is heart that can love and that can hurt. It is that very part of every person that holds the key to every personal and original idea and emotion. Everyone has one- a heart as such described. Yet how can a heart such as this giggle for it is not a physical living body. Can you hear it coming from within a person as he walks along the road delighted with the city sights? Or is it more of something that is silently felt within yourself that no one else is aware of? 

A giggle that is heard is also felt when one is physically giggling. A giggle is not quite a full laugh; the kind that bursts out with little care to who hears it. It isn’t quite so forceful or obvious as is the laugh of an Italian maid. A giggle is often unexpected and more controlled than a robust laugh. It is a funny feeling in my stomach that creeps its way up and out of my mouth. It is a tickle; a delightful happiness within me coming out as an expression. And it is similar in the way a heart might giggle. A heart does not make any sounds heard by mere human ears, but the ears and feelings of the heart do hear; sometimes even more clearly than your own ears might hear. It is that child-like delight that tickles the soul and heart. It is that funny feeling I get somewhere, though I don’t exactly know where it is, only that I feel it somewhere. It is that joyful happiness that no one can criticizes or disapprove of, because no one else is aware of it. It is something you share with only yourself. It is that part of you that remains part child, finding pure amusement and wonder in the simplest of things. Yet depending on the person it could also be that part of you that delights in the complexity of life and the details of simple finds. You can feel and hear the joy within yourself. It is something that is not easily explained or understood, but it is something that will always be there if you let it. Often the sign of a giggling heart is a simple grin reflecting the deep indulgences of your inward happiness.

Is it only when you find delight or fascination in certain things that you find your heart giggling? Is it only when those fancies of life make their presence known? I do not know. I would assume so when I reflect back of the little things that spark that giggle inside of me. Things like an ingenuously written poem or rhyme, or the way that the lake water reflects the stars in the night sky-those are the little things that make my heart skip a beat and simply giggle. I don’t see why a heart would giggle if it wasn’t out of pleasure or happiness. I wouldn’t understand why some would experience heart giggle from something that brought tears to the eyes, or anger to the spirit. Though I can’t prove that it doesn’t happen in that way; I only understand it in the way of smiles and grins. It just wouldn’t make sense to frown and giggle all at the same time. I suppose that this is one of the unexplainable laws of nature. I suppose that it is just the way that humans work; that we were made to work. But I can’t explain it.

You may now be asking the question: “Whose hearts might experience such a wonderful thing as a heart giggle?” There are so many wonderful and different people, each with their unique person and heart. There are people that look at the world in so many different ways. I think that the more optimistic persons are more aware of heart giggles. I believe that when you look for the good in things that you find more to be delighted by. Where as the more pessimistic person is seeing only what terrible things might be happening, therefore he misses all of the beauty and joys that life and the world has to offer. He misses the simple pleasures of the gifts God gives each and everyday. I believe that if you desire to have a giggling heart, it helps to seek out the good and happy things in life. I believe also that if you can bring yourself to do this that you will find so much more to be thankful for and so many more things to smile about. Each giggle of your heart makes a happier man; a happier person. So after saying all of this, I mean only to point out that anyone can have a heart giggle if they can find the simple pleasures in everyday life. 

I find that every heart giggle I experience brings me closer to contentment. It brings alive in me the radiance of life and the beauty of Gods creation. I find that it is the simplest things in my life that bring out in me the purest happiness anyone can truly feel. What is it that makes your heart giggle and leap with excitement? 

This is  only my opinion of what a heart giggle means. This is what I find to be true to me. But with all of this said, it is up to you to decide what a heart giggle means to you.'