I think to myself, why do I feel that I have a right to complain to God and to think I have the right to ask Him to make things easier for me? How can I sit there and complain about how hard my life is, and be so unwilling to stand up in God and face the life I have been given? Why do I think I deserve anything; whether it is to be treated with a certain respect or that I should have something particular because I earned it? Why do I sit here and become so depressed when things doing work out perfectly and easy for me? I ask ‘How much longer will you make me go through this God?’ I plead ‘Please don’t make this so hard. Please help me!’ and I think that He should help and that He should make things easier. But how can I ask that when I am constantly failing Him? When I constantly ignore Him, believe that I know better, that I have a better understanding of things? How can I think I deserve anything?
My God gave me everything; His son, my life, forgiveness, grace and mercy. He made His son go under sever torture for me even as I sit here and practically spit in His face! And I have the gaul to think I deserve something beautiful. If it wasn’t for Jesus, I would have nothing, not with the selfish life, and attitude I have carried through my life. The only reason I have anything today is because a gracious God choose through His loving grace and mercy. It has nothing to do with what I have done, what I have given, or what I deserve. Only because He loved me.
The realization that I really shouldn’t have anything through this life that I have lead, makes me really look at what I do have and appreciate it in a whole new and refined way. I think I am beginning to understand what God meant when He said that He loves me. I am beginning to understand the depth of God’s Mercy and Grace.
If only I could truly love God the way He loves me. I remember being eight or nine years old, and sitting in church, and as they sang to God I remember closing my eyes and just listening for God’s voice. It was the first time I ever heard God’s voice so clearly in my little heart. ‘I love you, Leah’ I remember a warm tingling sensation filling me up and a coolness, as if God were above my head sprinkling cool refreshing water onto my face. That was my first encounter with God and beginning to understand that He was real and that He truly loved me. I remember from that time I began to pray that God would show me His love. At first it was a little prayer, but as the years progressed and my relationship with Christ grew I began to pray in a deeper way. My prayer today is that God would teach me how to Love like He does and that His love would fill up from the inside and overflow out of me like a river wetting everyone around me with His loving Grace and Mercy.
I am beginning to truly see Him revealing His love to me in so many different ways. I now understand that His love is deeper and more intimate then I believe I will ever be able to comprehend. But I also see Him teaching me slowly, but surely what it really means to love. We have had to repeat so many lessons due to the selflessness of my flesh interfering. But by the grace of God’s patience I am believe I am learning.
Love is selfless, love is kind, love is understanding, love is true, love isn’t given because we deserve it but because God is holy, merciful and gracious.
I am feeling very humbled today. If only we could all understand God's love, perhaps there wouldn't be such strife and sorrow between us...
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