I say I am alright, but I wonder if I am. I want to scream and run. I don’t feel like I am handling this situation the way God wants me too. In my mind I envision a maiden, calm and gentle, whom believes more in God and in His plans than in what is happening around her. She takes things and gives them right to God. She doesn’t drive herself crazy trying to understand what God has purposely left a mystery for her. She is beautiful and graceful and her priorities are where they should be. She doesn’t let the chaos of the world infect her and her life. She takes each day and searches for the blessings that God gives...even when the world around her is as dark as the starless night and the foul language and hateful words hiss about her ears and heart. She hears the cries of the needy and knows how to help them without letting it take over her and infect her soul with worry and anxiety. In everything she does she is gracious and understanding. She is beautiful and graceful and forgiving and her words silk like honey. She doesn’t laugh at evil things in jest or in hurt and anger. She doesn’t even think of those evil plots and avenging ideas. She wouldn’t ever imagine hurting a person, physically or emotionally, she never threatens and never desires it. Her heart is completely devotes to God and to the people He places in her life, in her daily walk. You see her and she is shining, the eyes alight with love and compassion. Her gentle touch softens even the hardest of hearts. Her heart so pure her her actions proclaim it. And yet when you look into her face, you don't see the soft sweet lips, and the bejeweled eyes, you see Jesus Christ alive and breathing in her. You see the works of God, and the love of God so full and brimming that is washes your feet in the precious fountain of grace and God's love.
I desire more then anything else in the world to be like her. But I feel so foul and ugly. I would never really hurt someone, but isn’t threatening and laughing about the idea just as terrible as the action? What about how I go crazy trying to make sense of everything when it is obvious that I am not supposed to understand? I feel like I have become callused. I look back even just a year from now and I remember how disturbed I was to hear such cruel things come from my friends mouths, and yet I look at me now and those very same words come from my mouth. I use to be understanding and patience, but right now I feel so far from that. It is the most disturbing thing I have ever felt. Where am I? Why am I suddenly acting and thinking like this? What happened to me being calm and a little more understanding then I am now? What happened to my heart felt convictions about the way I spoke and thought of people? What happened to me simply forgiving them and being able to in turn think and pray for them and not let them hurt me and effect me? I think part of me feels like I need to protect myself now. I don’t know. I feel like the fragile thing I was before has been totally erased because I decided that I need to be my own strength...I hate it. I want to feel like I am being protected. I want to know that someone is there that will do everything and anything to be my shield and strength. I know God is...I guess I just don’t trust Him enough. But I am only a fake tough and I won’t be able to stand up to people forever. I am already breaking down. I really need to let myself be myself and let God and the other men in my life protect me. I am wearing myself out. I can’t do this anymore.
I feel so far away from being even a small example of this maiden my heart seems to know so well. I want be different like she is. I want to be there for people like she is. I want my words to be silk like honey soothing the restless hurting hearts of God's precious people. I want God to shine in my eyes the same way He does in her eyes. I want to be patience and trusting like she is. I want to stop trying to make sense of things when God simply requires me to believe in Him and His plans for me.
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