I feel like I have learned so much in these last few weeks. I have a new depth of patience for waiting for something I don't even know how to prepare myself for. I am beginning to feel like I can really trust God with where He is leading us. A couple months ago Alex was given a choice to choose to move down to me know and get married in a year or so, or to wait a couple years and get done his school and then come for me. Alex really sought out God's desire in it and he really felt like he was supposed to stay where he was at the time. It was decision no one really understood. I don't know even if I truly understood his decision either. There were so many benefits to him moving out to me now and just getting married. But even though no one understood it, he stuck to it. A month later we found out we may have to move, now we aren't sure that we have to move now, but it is a serious possibility in a couple months. If Alex had given into what he wanted and what I wanted and what the people around us thought was best, my family could have been stuck here in New York, or we would have had to move and left Alex here in New York. But God knew that and because Alex obeyed and listened we aren't in that position and my family is able to go where God is leading us.
That situation; that experience opened my eyes to a God that could see into things and care enough about me, and Alex and my family to guide us through these last few months and decisions. I always knew He had a plan for me, and Alex, and my family, but I am beginning to see how huge and in depth those plans are. Right now I am to the point of not trying to plan anything anymore. I know if I seek God's direction in everything I do He will lead me to where He wants me, and cares about where I am and what I am doing. God sees that we can't begin to imagine.
In our minds and our humans eyes, things may seem wise and smart and practical, and when God says no to something we can't understand, we often get so flustered and irritated; sometimes even denying that God would say that or require that something from you because it doesn't make sense. But sometimes is isn't suppose to make sense. We can't see between the lines, all we see is what is happening around, but sometimes there more happening then what we see at first.
The more think about everything I want in life and everything I have ever dreamed of, the more I wonder if I really want it. I don't want my will anymore, I want what God wants for me. He understands better then anyone, how He can best use me, what I need most, and what would truly be a blessing. If could have a wish, I don't I think I would want to use it. What could I possible wish for? I don't want to be any richer than God has made me, I don't want to be any wiser and more experienced then I am now, I don't want anything that I don't have now, because I believe that God has a reason for everything in my life. I have a perfect amount of money and God has given the experiences I have need; He has given me everything need right now. Why would I want to add or take away from that?
God's dreams are so much sweeter than my own. I am seeing first hand the truth in that. Alex and I long for each other more everyday, but God knows that and He is preparing us for the day when we can be together. I believe that now...it still doesn't make the distance any easier...I do ache for him, I feel lonely and long just to be with him again.
I still have no clue what is going to happen in this year, I don't know where my family will be, or what we will be doing. Or where Alex I and will be. But I think I am finally okay with just waiting. I am actually kind of excited to see what will happen. Its so grand mystery just waiting to be discovered. I know that though the days may get harder and the time become longer God will use it. We will have a happy ending someday. That day may be when we are all in heaven together with God, or tomorrow, or in a couple years. When ever it may be, I will wait for God's timing.
Today is a good day. I feel peaceful. It may not last forever, but at least I will always know that God is here and guiding Alex and I, and my family.
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