This last week has been crazy and full to brim of amazing encounters, lonely hours, and heart breaking news. I have been lonely, scared, excited, sad and confused. I think more anything else simple confused. More anything in the world, I want to know that every hour; every day of my life I am seeking God's face in everything I do. I want my life to be simply consumed with God whether I am a 'Missionary', or a simple girl with a simple life, and simple job, being who God created me to be. I believe in the deepest, most sacred part of my heart, that God has a plan, and that He really can use me even when He hasn't asked me to go across the world and witness to starving people. I think that sometimes I can help more people by being a normal person who simply loves God and loves people and wants to be there for people. I know that I don't have to be a pastors wife, a missionary, a Christian singer to really use my life for Christ. I think that He can call me to a certain job or career because He wants to use me there. Perhaps there are situations where God doesn't care what you do or where you go, but I don't believe that is always the case, especially when it comes to what I want to do with my life.
After looking back over the years, I can't help but to see God's hand in everything that has taken place. That includes the friends I have had, the people I have met and talked with, every time I have moved, my relationship with Alex, my relationship with my sisters and brothers. God has woven things together, opened doors, closed doors, and brought people into my life (at times only for a couple days), that have guided me and brought me to the point that I am at right now. I really think that there is so much more to life that what we can possibly imagine. We are talking about a God who created us, died for us, cares about our individual lives, and has a plan for each of us. Why would He not be completely involved in our lives and working invisibly in our lives to guide us and prepare us for what He whats us to do?
Maybe it all depends on how much you desire for Him to guide you and lead you in everything. Maybe it all depends on where your heart is in relation to living your every day for God. Is there ever a time when you can be over consumed with God? Is there ever a time when you shouldn't give Him credit for the wonderful things that have occurred in your life? I believe that often we may think that God is leading us to do something, but we later realize that we were not hearing Him. But in those times, you take a step back and again seek God's will for you. How can someone be wrong in seeking God's will in everything? How can anyone be naive if they are truly putting aside all self desires to pursue what they feel God may be leading them to do? Why would it be wrong to say that 'I think that God is leading me to do this'? It isn't like saying that 'God said I had to do this'. I feel like in saying that 'I think that God is leading me somewhere', it is not saying that 'I know this was God' without being really sure that it was God. I feel like I would simply be saying that 'I think this is what He wants me to do, but I am not completely sure yet'.
In many ways I feel like a tapestry right now. I feel like God is weaving situations, emotions, and convictions together into one beautiful picture. I am seeing how things and situations from when I was a child are creating this picture. I am seeing how things my parents say, respected elders, personal convictions and all of these different situations that I have been through are adding to this picture. I don't know what this will all look like years from now, but the point right now is that I can see and I understand that God has a design and that He is working in my life creating this work of art right now. Even the little, not so obvious stitches make a huge impact in the finished work.
An amazing example as to how God has woven things together in my life has been the reconnection with my very first best friend from Texas. After many years of having no communication, I was able to chat with her on Facebook. We talked about things God was doing in both our lives. I couldn't believe how much God had worked in very similar ways in both of our lives. For the first time I didn't feel so alone in my convictions and the life I was trying to live. Here was a girl I loved who this whole time was going through similar things; a girl whom shared my convictions. I was six years old when I moved away from her. 10 almost 11 years have passed since then, and here we see everything God has done, and we are able to encourage and inspire each other. God ministered to me through someone I loved very dearly and yet never expected to be so encouraged by. He knew exactly what I need.
Sometimes I don't understand why life has to be so confusing and why things have to be so hard. But I know that I can't let my worries and doubt get in the way of my faith in what God can do and the dreams I believe that He has for me.
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