I gaze about my quiet abode and I wonder how things can be so quiet for so long. My life now is constantly filled with silent waiting as I pace and attempt to figure out how God is going to work this all out. In my mind I see only one or two ways that would makes sense, but I am looking at this situation through the eyes of a human where impossible is a word and where 'dreams come true' aren't frequent. I can't see things the way that God does. He is up in the sky- in the heaven looking down not just at me but at this entire world; and He can see how every little thing said, done, or thought effects everyone in this world. I see me and the few people around me-that is all.
I know it must be possible for God to have a completely different idea of how this situation will play out and how He will bring us to the place that He has waiting for us. We can't just walk over there and begin to work. I know God has to prepare us for not just the work but the journey to that place that He is bringing us, slowly but surely. I am so afraid sometimes of the journey the idea of certain situations and road blocks that might and probably will arise. I wonder am I truly ready to do this? Am I really the person God wants to walk this road. Part of me wonders am I even worthy to be the one to walk this road. I want to live and unordinary life, but can I really qualify to be that person living the life I've been given to do what my heart longs so much to do.
I want to be God's hope and comfort and love to His people. I want to be the one who walks every day with the motive of giving everything I have to God and to His people. I want to be the one who's shoulder is always wet with the tears of hurting, lost people. I want to be the wife and help mate to the man that walks and talk in a way that people understand and feel appreciated and loved, and who can see the very face of God shining from his eyes. I don't want to have things of this world or to live a life that has approval of men, but to live a life where nothing is my own, where I spend my days with hurting people, clothing them, feeding them, talking with them and loving them with a love that only God can give. I don't want my life to be easy, simply working and taking care of my immediate family. I want my life to be working and taking care of God's family. I can't just decide to be that woman, or the wife of that man. It is something that God has to prepare me for; something that He has to create in me. And it isn't going to be easy. And I know that.
In my mind I see things that will need to happen to bring me to that place, but also in my mind there are only a few ways of getting to that place. Something I am realizing now is that, sometimes there is a bigger plan and an entirely different way that God is going to take me to get me to that point. As human I see through a humans eyes, and I work myself up and worry, and when things don't work out the way I expect sometimes instead of identifying what God just did and the ways that He just moved in my life, I focus instead on what didn't happen and how hard things became.
This journey that I am walking through with God and with my family and my friends, is not a journey that I can plan, it a journey where I wake up each day and I ask 'where are we going today'. I can't plan where we are going or what should happen, I just quietly wait on God to lead me there and as troubles and road blocks arise, then I stop and with God we work through it. Sometimes I want things to work out a certain way and I am scared of it not working out that way, and I am often so tired of just quietly waiting for God to clearly lead me somewhere where the scenery changes and I can see things moving about me. I wonder where God went. I have hard time waiting. I want to work now and be that person now, and when it doesn't feel like I am going anywhere I become restless and desperate.
God has a plan though, He knows where I want to be, but also knows where He wants me, when He wants me there, and the things that need to happen in me to prepare me for that work. So even though my room is quiet and I may not feel like anything is changing, God has bigger eyes that see much more than I.
I will wait for the day when You come and give Your dreams for me the wings that will carry us away. I will wait in this quiet room until You come and take me by the hand and lead me to the next road. Maybe I am walking now and I just don't realize it. Maybe when the night ends and the sun comes up again, I will realize that this whole time I thought nothing was happening, You really took me over mountains and deserts. I guess I won't know until the sun comes up and the birds wake up and fill this room with song again. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment