Come with me to the mountain

            I am an ordinary person serving an extraordinary God. My dreams and desires have been based upon simple imaginations and human comprehension; mere figments of a materialistic vision, but God has taken my simple mind and fleshy desires, calling me to Himself; revealing in the process His extraordinary design for the declaration of His Glory.  I am a self-centered creation, serving a self-centered God, in all reality desiring and obsessed in bring myself glory rather than proclaiming the Glory of the almighty, all powerful, perfect and holy God.


              Over the past six months, God had begun to opened my eyes to the true beauty and delight in living for the simple sake of declaring His glory among all the nations. He has taken my dreams, my ideals, and everything I had chosen to believe in apart from His grace and promises, and striped me of them. I was shaken. For the true reality stuck me at the heart: I am a powerless human being, whose dreams are built on the beach of a raging sea, where at any moment the things I had chosen to cling to could be washed away in the foaming waters, so vast and deep. My dreams had been washed away and I was left behind with a simple question- with a choice: was I going to accept God's plans for me and seek earnestly after His heart, or was I going to dive into the raging sea in an aspiration of retrieving the dreams I desired? I knew in my heart that the sea would overwhelmed me and darkness and death would be the outcome, but it wasn't easy to turn my face from the raging waters to seek greater things.

              In life there is a mountain in the horizon from whence a glorious light shines; far off, beyond deserts, plains, valleys and forests of intimidating width and length filled with unknown territory and hidden mysteries lurking in darkness far beyond the comfort of the sea: the things familiar and seen.

             The light from that mountain in my life drew me spiritually and emotionally: there no way to simply describe with words the necessity to reach that mountain top: but the passionate hunger for that light far exceeded anything else worth pouring myself into.  And so began a new dream: reach the mountain top where God waited in all His glory and perfection.

            I have begun a journey to a mountain top where God waits. And I have only just begun the walk but already has God begun truly revealing Himself in a different light. God didn't call me to live my life on a sea shore building castles in the sand, hoping and praying that the waters would calm, and the sea would still to protect my perfect little world. I wasn't asked to casually go out where I am comfortable and speak of a God that I claim to serve whistle I live my life in sand. When I looked toward that mountain, I realized for the first time that Jesus didn't say "go make disciples" but as you go (I suppose that means as I pursue the mountain of God) I would make disciples wherefore they would leave their common places and follow after in likewise pursuit of the glorious light always calling from afar.

            I am ordinary person, my sand castle wash away time after time, and yet I am so enamored with my fanciful dreams and desires, and the creativity which my mind possess: for the grand plans and hopes of the world that I build temporary material castles anew over and over again,  instead of abandoning my ideals and dreams to discover God in all His glorious display.

             Since I have turned my eyes from the sea to the glorious light, this road in the midst of the trying moments, and the difficult pursuit, God met me, and taken me by hand and leads me down the road. I stumble often but He has already taken me places far above and beyond anything my mind could dream or imagine. He has taken my empty dreams and filled my heart with joy in discovering His mysteries hidden along this broken road, already having exceeded any dreams that I could have built in the midst of castles of sand.

               God is extraordinary. His glory far more fulfilling then anything a man or woman can comprehend.

              Come with me to the mountain where we can someday behold God in all His Glory singing to the Lord most High, worthy of all praise and glory.

Self: The Fleshy Sin-infiltered Enemy of God

        There are three; three parts to me. First reigns God in my Spirit and in my heart, Second lives Spirit or Soul; the breath and thought hidden deep within, Third is Self, the Fleshy; sin in-filtered enemy of God, slave to all things unrighteous, condemned to death.  These create me, and in me with these three rages an ever present war, perhaps hidden from the worlds eyes, but a constant and unavoidable reality in the eyes of the Spirit. 

Self is a vile enemy of my soul, she attacks unmercifully, seeking for some witty scheme to cause my soul to fall for her-to befriend her in her self absorbed world. She once wrote: 

“Never has my eye burned brighter, nor my heart raged with such a deep furry, for my inner person, yea my very soul to whom I had made friend and comrade finds herself seeking deeper things, beyond me; beyond what I seek and desire. I pray thee tell me, what has captured the heart of my inner person so much that she dares to stand apart from me-rejecting my flesh and the things that I am in this world; the woman I should be, the things I should do and say. She dares to treat me as though I am some vile, unholy subject of this life, filled with unrighteous desires which are abhorred in the eyes of some supposed higher being. She looses appreciation for the things I accomplish, and does not even care to acknowledge the wonderful things I say, write and imagine, not even the things in which I do good unto other beings. It is as if she wishes to have nothing to do with me.”

-Self

          This is the heart of Self; the fleshy, sin in-filtered enemy of God. She is the cause of the heaviness of my heart. She has become my enemy and so the battle rages ever onward, hardly ceasing, even through the dead of night while not even the moon cares to light the heavy dank hood of an almost hopeless brawl.  Self, though she claims her innocence, is sin in flesh; her cravings and desires founded upon the lusts in the world, approval of men, and exaltation and praise of herself. In many ways she sees herself as a god: desiring to be treated, thought of, and approved as such. The world; her momentary lover, cradles her promising riches, power, and life, all of which she seeks after through night and day. She is the empress of life, powerless over nothing save natural forces which are in her mind nothing more than chemical reactions unavoidable even so by the most powerful of all Deity.  She is flesh apart from the Holy and perfect Spirit: adulterer, master of untruth, wrath, hatred, strife, pride and indulgence. She dares to reject the supreme, pure, perfect and Holy Deity of God rather thinking of herself as an equal if not above this ‘unseen, unproven, master of the universe.’ Not only does she dare to reject the  perfect and holy Deity of God, but also has she the audacity to require of my soul the same rejection of God. It is this underlying command that causes the ever raging battles between self and my heart.

If I have learned anything through these last five months, it comes down to this: through devote, faithful, passionate seeking after the heart of Christ you begin to see a vileness of your heart that you would have been blinded to ordinarily. For in discovering the heart of Christ my eyes are being opened to the heart of self-being Me. When Jesus revealed a part of His perfect purity and love, so was a sin revealed in my heart. For the more I grow and mature in Christ I find the war magnifying with ever more battles and various tribulations. 

Self is one, but I am two-First Christ in me and then my spirit; both armed for battle. My greatest enemy is not hiding under my bed, tormenting me with hideous whispers through the dark nights, it is not some ugly beast that waits for me in the allies of this city, it is no demon, no figment of imagination-it is hidden, disguised within me often as some angelic wisdom and reasoning. Whereby she takes me by surprise and I find myself giving my heart to the thing of flesh, my countenance of purity and holiness once-again spotted and defiled before God. 

The war will not cease until the day He comes for me. The battles may grow graver: of a venomous malice and she will grow wiser through every fray, but may that also be proof of the work of Christ in my heart. It is a lovely thing to see the beauty and perfection of the Lord, but in coherence to that I must also embrace it, rejecting self, understanding in fullness the underlying, disguised wickedness which separates me from God. 

Conflictions

     Are there words enough to describe the contradictions of my heart these past few days? I wonder is there is any way to describe the hopeful hopelessness and the strength that surges within me as I fall again and again too weary to rise, is there a single phrase which would do justice to the strange conflict of my soul? I rise to fall and fall to rise, searching for some hidden mystery behind all of these senseless battles?

     Is there anyone of you whom have even felt so strange within your heart. To be strong and holding fast to the things you believe that God has placed on your heart, and yet to fall in the midst, overcome by a alien sense of complete and utter helplessness? Have you ever been so passionate in seeking a life of serving our Lord, and yet felt so lost and discouraged at the very same moment?

    A season they tell me, just a season. But how much longer can any single season possibly last? I'm tried of fighting, I'm tired of the confusion and I'm tired of a heart which aches and hurts no matter how much I lean on and trust my God. It is true that He is giving me strength, and I am finding joy in Him and I know without a doubt that He is enough to satisfy the deepest longing of my soul, but the ache is still there, and so the hope that someday soon, it won't have to ache any more. That someday this season, will bring about sunshine and peace which lasts through the night.

  

Looking into Glass

           It seems as I glance back over my shoulder at days past, everyday my world- the place inside myself which defines the things I have seen and done, the words which I have spoken and received, the faces I meet, and have seen from a distance, and the thoughts which have grown and matured in my heart- has grown in leaps and bounds, and continues to expand immeasurably day-by-day. I look into my mirror, the glass which peers with such accuracy into ones soul, so much so that I dare not question the reflection before me; it shows me things of beauty but also those things which one would choose to keep from sight, and as I stand day-by-day the image I see before me gradually reveals subtle changes about me; changes which leave evidence of the growth which has been forming within me since birth; changes for better and for worse.  

         

         I-the girl, so carefully preserved, clothed in innocence, kept apart from the world all these years so as to maintain the wistful haunting beauty of the pure ignorance of the evils of this corrupted world wherein all men have made a home-have been found now face-to-face with the strange and mysterious  revealings of the things of this world, and the things in which inhabit it, and I have been startled both in awe and disgust. This world in where I live, is like a grand story book; there things that I have seen and now heard with my own eyes and ears I believed had only existed in stories, which goes to reveal the ignorance and blissful dreaming of my heart. I have been pressed and questioned by my own beliefs which are so contradictory to the morals of this world, and I have been challenged and continue to stumble upon questions seemingly without answers. This great world in which I had been so protected from now rests at my doorstep, and I am learning and growing, maturing and strengthening my own convictions. This world is a big dark place, full of shadows and little whisperings meant to lure me away from the road I was meant to travel, but in this world there is also hope, growth and beauty beyond description.

           These past few months have brought about changes and growth in me beyond anything I could have prepared myself for. Valleys and mountains have dived and risen throughout this journey, deserts have stretched past the horizon, oceans have lapped against my walls, the roaring waves, foaming as wild beasts beset themselves upon me seeking to overwhelm me, and just as I believe I'm being drowned and washed away, overcome by the rabid surge, I always find myself,  when I open my eyes again washed upon some distant shore, and although I appear wet and battered, I am breathing and miles away from the angry sea. As I walk I encounter trials of every countenance, bearing alien emotions, fears and questions. The very things I never before imagined my heart would experience, are the very things my feet now tread upon. However though this journey is encamped with pains and questions, deep within the heart of this being, I am finding joy, and real peace in God. 

            There is something particularly exciting about walking a road less traveled, knowing that though I willing chose the harder road there is also a God whose grace surpasses the afflictions and weaknesses of self. As I walk my steps become less about how this will benefit me in the long run, but delighting in the idea of how my afflictions and infirmities make room for God's glory to be displayed. The more I walk a more difficult road, the more I find the need for God and the more I delight in His presences and His glory.  I realize more and more, how little I understand God, how little I know Him, the lack of comprehension I have of His power, love and glory. It is an exciting thoughts to imagine how much greater God is then my mind can comprehend, and yet that one day I will surly see His glory revealed among all nations.  To live for God I am finding, bring satisfaction that cannot possibly be found in living for self desires and the fleeting happiness the world offers. 

             I look into this glass and I realize that this little girl before me, is a little girl who is for the first time in her short life, beginning to see what it means to live simply for the Glory of God. I am small, and infected with sin and great weaknesses, and I see more everyday as I walk about this confused sad world that if I live for Self I have lost everything, just as those sad unhappy faces reflect the empty wanderings of their self-driven lives. I will only be filled and made complete in God, through His grace. This I now see as I watch my little mirror day-by-day. 

White Walls

            I look around me at white walls; void of color. I lay in a bed that is as strange to me as this room that I've been led into for a time. I'm far away from home; that place I know-laden with familiar comforts, pictures, and images that have evolved through my life and have become part of me and my world as I know it. But today I'm found in an unfamiliar world and it is here; in this quiet reserved, and secret abode where I am for the first time in my life, being striped down and exposed before my God and my family.

            In all honesty I find myself searching earnestly for words which would color a picture that you would be able to relate with-somthing that you could possibly understand, perhaps even more clearly than I-myself- do at this time.  But I will try and I beg you, please forgive me if my attempt proves fruitless.

          The first image I dare to describe is this: In my mind I picture myself standing before the throne of God, and as I stand there I look into His beautiful eyes, and I say: "My Lord, O My Lord! I know You!" But instead of the reciprocal joy I expect to see in His face, He simply shakes His head, and with a sad little smile, He looks at me and with sorrow He replies: "No, daughter, you do not know Me."

         Another picture is this: I stand before a mirror and in this mirror I see a woman; beautiful, kind, loving, gentle, wise, and understanding. This woman is a reflection of righteousness before God, of purity and obediences, such as the woman I've imagined myself to be. "See God, I am this woman, I am pure and righteous, and I have been obedient to You." But before my eyes, the image of this woman in the mirror becomes distorted, and when the picture again becomes one a clarity, there before me stares a child; one of ignorance, immaturity, and one speckled dirt, grime and various scrapes and bruises. A child clearly lacking knowledge, understanding and a life of purity and obedience. "Daughter, can you not see that you are still a child; still naive and of little understanding, lacking Me?"

         As I reside in the seclusion of this distant land-apart from the noise and chaos of my comfortable world; within these white walls, where quiet thoughts and questions rise among me, I find myself suddenly aware of the images that I have made of myself, and the deception that I have fallen prey of. I am finding within these strange walls, how easily I fall captive to pride, praise of self, and indulgence in the relationship I believe that I have with Christ. I am beginning to see how childish, and dirty my heart truly is. And I am recognizing my need for Christ's grace to do the work in my life and heart where I am so severely lacking Him.

        I truly believed that I was doing all I could for Christ; that I was living a life for Him, and it took bringing me out of my normal life, to open my eyes to all that I was lacking in Him. I am seeing more everyday, area's in my life where I am not living out everyday for Christ, but in effect for my own glory, comfort and pleasure. There have been things I have given to Christ in my life, but God requires all area's of my life; this I have not given to Him.


       Here I am, laying in this strange bed, within these white walls, lacking the comforts of my home, not as a woman but as a child, exposed before God, and craving Him and His grace to make me whole. My life -as I have said on so many occasions- is not my own, I need to be living for Christ in whole, not through my strength but the the grace of Christ is. I am a child, in a strange land, humbled and discovering God in a new light.

    

    




          

Like Him

         Everywhere I look I see a sign of the very existence of my God. I wonder if it is this place and the beautiful mountains which have taken captive my heart, or if through all the pain and sorrow in my heart, that it has opened me up to Him in ways I wasn't before. I look for Him everywhere, because I'm terrified to be without Him, I'm so alone through this walk and only God alone can understand it, and whenever I search I always find Him somewhere. Sometimes His whispers amongst the cat tails, His touch in the sweet breeze tenderly and lovingly stroking my cheek, His tears along side my own as the raindrops dance upon the window pane, and then there are times when I truly believe I hear Him speaking not words my ears can hear but a language my heart speaks. I know that though this is lonely I'm not alone, and God is evidently working in my heart and in my life in dramatic ways.

     I don't know yet what my life holds for me;  the things that I will do or accomplish, but I know that God is beginning to guide me through it. I have a dream, I have hope, and until God shows me that these dreams hopes are not of Him I will hold on to them with everything in me. Today, I simply pray that He would begin to make me a woman; that He would mature my heart, my thoughts, and my mind, so that I might be slightly more like Him.



    

Tempered to Perfection by God's Hands

         There is so much I could write on the subject of my heart and the trails, fears and anticipation that have plagued my very soul, spirit and mind. I could go into detail of the hopeless despair that clung to my heart. I could tell you of the fears which wrapped themselves and imprinted in my mind horrors and tore at my heart. I could paint such a picture that you could imagine the anticipation that oppressed me and stripped me of the calm peace which Jesus had given to me. But why would I choose to dwell upon the inconsolable afflictions, when my eyes have sought out the heart of Jesus?

     It is true that these past five days have been, in many forms, an abhorrent  nightmare, but even in the darkest hour of this night, I have seen a light, so bright that His angel's breath could be seen. I knew that though I felt terribly alone and desolate in the cold shadows of the dark, I was being embraced and held in the arms of God, while angels surrounded me, armed for war, as body guards of a King would stand ready before the throne. I knew that it was okay to be weak, and to allow Jesus to protect me; my heart, spirit, and soul. It was okay to cry, because I was broken and bruised. As Jesus held me, and still holds me, I saw and continue to see, His hand covering my wounds and healing me from the inside out. It is the beginning of a healing in my heart, and I know it's not going to happen over night, but I know also that through this tribulation that Jesus will not leave me, and He will hold me as He renews my strength and open my eyes to the wonders He has in store for me; my life, my dreams and inmost desires.

    There are mountains and valleys in the horizon, and I can only begin to imagine the journey which is set before my feet. As I have had this time in arms of God, He has begun a healing, but even further more, He has begun to reveal Himself to me deeper and more intimately then I ever dreamed. He has asked and required of me, a time where I turn my eyes from the things my heart loves on this world, and train my sight upon His heart and His eyes. I believe that I am beginning to fall in love with Jesus as a woman would fall for a man.

    I don't know what God has planed for me through all of this but as someone wonderful once said:  "..through these trials we have to go through, my heart will be tempered to perfection by God's Hands."
Only God can do the work in my heart that I crave, and I most certainly crave Jesus in every way; I want to know Him, to become like Him; a reflection of His heart in mine. God is the only one who can do that in me; He is the only one who can perfect, purify, and mold my heart as in-depth as any one could desire. 


     As looked into the mirror this morning, instead of seeing a woman, I saw a child; a simple minded, tender child. I realized how much I still have to learn, and how much maturing God still has to do in my heart, before I am truly a woman who fears, loves and knows the Lord. But it encourages me to see and feel the hand of God on my heart, holding me, loving me, and molding me. 


Perhaps someday my heart will be fully 'tempered to perfection by God's Hands'. Today however, I will focus my eyes and heart on God, and I will look to eyes of Jesus and allow Him to heal me, and mold me, and I will fall in love with Him more everyday durning and exceeding this tribulation at hand. 

Eyelids close

      These past few days have left me drained of any energy or true excitement. The emotional battle has left me victorious but entirely spent and bruised. It was the first battle in conquest I have been sent upon. I know that every battle will leave me victorious for God is on my side, and we fight the enemy who is the essence of everything evil and void of true love, goodness, and purity. But even though I will be victorious in the end, battles do not come and go without losses, tears and trials; they do not come and go without a fight.
      This battle I have won as left true peace in my heart. I know that no matter what happens God has full and complete reign in my heart and He will give me rest and He will surly guide me to safe waters in the midst of this great war.

Tonight I rest. My eyelids close, and I let God carry me through the night. He is strong, and I am weak and He knows that I cannot bear this alone.

By Design

      I know that God is good. I know that He is holy, perfect, and almighty. I know that God is all powerful and that through Him anything is possible, but I didn't know-not truly- that God's plans and His design for my life could leave me feeling so empty, hurt, and broken. In my heart even through the pain, I know that this is just a season in the scheme of things; I sincerely believe that this pain; deep hurt and brokenness in me, will be the very thing that strengthens and creates my heart into the character that God has designed. But that knowledge; the understanding of that, does nothing in this moment to comfort or console the deep anguish inside of my heart and very soul.

     I always felt that my plans and dreams were by far, a lesser image of what God saw in my life, and these last few years have been evidence of that; particularly these past few months. He has taken me;  my heart, life, dreams and expectations places I never dreamed, nor wanted to go. He has challenged, corrected, disciplined, and taught me things that my little heart has carried with joy and sorrow.

    Tonight everything I have planed for my life has come to a stand still and I am being require to stand before God, and test my heart in these dreams and desires for my life. Everything I have wanted and craved is being evaluated and tried. And I am being required to set every last bit of my dreams in the hands of God, where He takes it and choose to give it or keep it, but in any case I have to have no expectation that I will receive it back on any occasion.

     All of these years I have walked, I have truly believed that I had given God my plans and dreams. I believe with my whole heart that I was walking the road that He wanted me to take. But now I question that belief, and it is perhaps the most excruciating exercise I have ever attempted. Everything I love- with the exception of God Himself- is set before God as a sacrifice, just as Abrahams only son Isaac was set upon that alter as a living Sacrifice. I have been commanded to take this sacrifice and give it to God, regardless of the outcome; perhaps He will provide a goat, or a sheep, but He is not required to, and I can't expect Him to.

    My heart is in need of healing, my life and my desires need to be God's desires for me. I want this road I walk to be the road God design for me. I want to pursue with everything in me the dreams that are truly from God. There are so many things I could do my life, the question is: 'What does God want me to do with my life. Where does He want me tomorrow. Where does He want me today?'

    It is not easy to give to God the things which have become part of my heart. But right now, tonight and tomorrow it is necessary.

    I can only pray that God will use me and my heart and my life to bring Glory to His name.

Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

         I close my eyes afraid to see the chaos of the world about my little head. I like to think of myself as strong in my Lord and faithfully unswerving in my trust in Him and His plans for me. I like to believe that my heart is whole and giving everything it is to it’s creator and the life that I live everyday. But tonight as I sit on my little chair, hard and cold, I realize how weak, unfaithful and broken I am. I am like a child shivering in the cold night, too terrified to move, lost in a big world, wondering where I am and how I came to this place so cold and hungry, longing so desperately for a tender word, a loving hand, a cradling safe place.  All around me strange shadows close in; mysterious monsters waiting for me to fall into their traps which lay in wait for an unsuspecting child, such as myself. Everything which was once familiar and safe, darkness invaded claiming it as it’s own, or so it seems in my childlike eyes. If ever there was a valley so shadowed and evil, this world I walk in everyday would be the darkest and vilest of them all. I am simply a child wondering, lost, void of any sense of direction, understanding, and hope. I am child weak, broken and in desperate need of my God. 

My heart so desperately wants to demand an explanation from God. I want Him to tell me why I am here, why I can’t understand, what good He could possibly be doing in me, and how this would be helping reach the people of this world. I want to know why things continue to exceed in tribulation and trails, when I have given everything I have to God. Why hasn’t any good come yet? How much longer do I have to walk through this before His blessings extend upon me? Yet, though these thoughts intrude upon my heart, there is a part of me even deeper than my heart; for my soul knows that God need not give any sort of explanation. He is God, and I am simply dust in the wind, here simply because He spoke my name, and breathed into me. Someone once told me that God promised two things after Jesus came and died for us. The first promise being that through Jesus’ sacrifice we have eternal life in God and will someday rest in heaven with Him, the Second; simply that we would have tribulations and trials; things which would test us, prove us, simply because we are the children of God. 

God owes me nothing in this world. He already given me something which I will never be able to repay. This Valley that I walk, cold and scared, is not supposed to be easy. I knew that when I first began down that narrow road, so I why do I question God’s will for me today? Perhaps my life will be a continual battle, and a nerve racking journey, but someday, whether on earth or in heaven, I will find peace and rest in Jesus. 

I am not ashamed to admit that I am truly terrified of this road that I’m walking down. I am falling down, stumbling blindly, but I am not alone. God is my strength. No matter what tomorrow holds, my heart must hold on to the name of my Lord. 

‘Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death I will fear no evil for You are with me.’

Thoughts...

'O God, thou are my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee, in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is; to see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary. Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness: and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: when I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of they wings I will rejoice.'


      David's song is the cry of my heart; everything in me craves my God. I want to praise Him with all of my heart, soul, Spirit, and beyond anything I am, or have within me. My God is truly powerful and glorious beyond anything my petty little mind can imagine or comprehend. David said 'Thy lovingkindness is better than life', how much do I meditate on the fact that God's kindness and love is worth more than my life, and what my life might offer. God is worth more than any praise we can give Him, any love that we carry, anything we do. Nothing we do or are, is worth the lovingkindness of our Lord; our God. 


      I continuously evaluate my purpose in life; in my everyday, every hour, every breath I breathe.  Nothing I do will ever be enough to measure up to the praise and glory God deserves. I will never be humble enough, love enough, give enough, praise enough. And yet He helps me through everyday. How amazing is the lovingkindness of our God? No words can describe the mercy and love of our King, Lord, Almighty God. 


      I want to give all that I have though I know it still won't be enough, I want to give as much as God has given me. I want to live my every moment for my God. I want to praise Him in the darkest night. My God lives in my today! How beautiful He is. How lovely is the grace and mercy He bestows upon us unworthy. If only I could truly grasp the power and glory of my God. If only I could understand how Pure and mighty He is?! I would give anything to see the power and glory of our God. 

Life Like Heaven

       It's amazing to me, when I realize, that in a single moment, a solitary word could change the picture I see my life creating. I am a giant tapestry; a life where every moment is a thread in the master piece. I always think that I begin to understand what picture my life might create in the tapestry, but just as I begin to imagine the wonderful things God has planned, a new thread is strung, woven in such a way as to immediately change that image. A single color; a single thread can change everything. And often times, when something has been added that I didn't expect it causes my heart to cry out. I mourn for this image that I saw forming in my mind that was disturbed by this way ward thread. Everything I had begun to plan for this master piece was cut away, leaving me to wonder what good thing could come from this picture that was being woven out of my life. Could God take that thread and build off of it and make something beautiful out of it? Or was the beautiful picture I saw being created before my eyes, ruined forever?

     It seems rather foolish to me now I as recognize my concern for this image that God is creating out of my life, for God is a God who creates only good. He is beautiful, and creates us in His own image, so why am I so fearful that God won't be able to create something beautiful out of my life? If I have truly given Him my life, to use and create for me, then He is my artist, and He knows the picture my life will create if I trust what He has planed for it. I am not in charge of planing this master piece, or creating the image I believe it should be. I so often give it God and then when I begin to see what is happening and what He is doing in my life, I get excited and take the needle back and begin to thread my own life. But it doesn't work that way. Things begin to fall apart and make little sense.

       When God begins to work, and create something in me, I don't understand, and I  fail to trust what He is doing, because I am seeing an unfamiliar image. I can't make sense of what is being created or what is happening around me. But perhaps it's a lot like heaven. Perhaps I can't understand because I am ignorant to the beauty. It makes me think of heaven; for there are things in heaven that I know I can't begin to fathom; colors that are beyond this world, images, that even the most artistic and open minds can not begin to comprehend. Perhaps life is like heaven. God is creating an image that we cannot yet understand or comprehend because it is too glorious and heavenly and pure for even the most righteous hearts of us.

       As I think about all the mysteries every day holds, and all the times when my plans and dreams crumble around me, I wonder is God just doing a work in my life that I can't begin to comprehend. I have given my life to God, and I want Him to lead me where He will, but I need to trust that as He leads my life He has His picture of what my everyday will create. He knows exactly where He wants me, and the beauty it will create in me.

      These past years have been roller coasters of emotions, dreams, hopes and plans. God has taken me places I'd never dared dream of, He has fought me and my plans trying to get me to realize that His plans for me are so much better than mine. I think it is time that I surrender the needle that weaves my life picture, into God's hand.

      I want the tapestry of my life to be like heaven; a beauty I cannot begin to comprehend, colors that my mind is incapable of imagining; images that my heart dare not dream of. I want my life to be God's picture for me, because I am an amateur artist, and I cannot create the picture that God can create in me.

      God's plans are beautiful, even through the pain.

    
    

A Sweet Life

      Sometimes it easier to trust and believe that God has wonderful plans and dreams for our life, then to wait for Him to lead us to those places. Today I know with all my heart that God is truly here and leading me somewhere. But it’s difficult to wait on Him timing. The plans that I keep making, always seem to dissolve away, as does sugar in the boiling water of life. What was once a solid piece of sweet rock as dissolved away till I can no longer see any evidence of it’s existence in that water, and I doubt that the water could be anything save the plain flavorless liquid I had begun with before I placed those little saccharine crystals into the hot bowl. It was obvious that now sugar could no longer be seen, and so I could not believe that the water would be sweet in flavor. 

But sometime things aren’t as it seems. For in my minds eye, when things don’t go as planed, and my dreams don’t play out as I would have first wished it so, it does not mean that what happens isn’t a good, sweet thing in my life. Just because I couldn’t see those sugar chrysalises did not mean that the water was not sweet, in-fact as the water dissolved the sugar it absorbed it and sweetened the liquid yet more than had the little hard rocks. Had I tasted of the water, I would have discovered a divine honeyed syrup sweeter than anything I could have imagine. And even so, in life even though my plans never seem to work out as I think should, in my own timing, I know that everything will work out according to God’s plans, and the things I cannot see Him doing now, I will taste as I watch my life unfold in God’s hands. 

     

A Blissful Storm

Hope is the essence of why I choose to rise every morning. I hope in many things, but in everything my hopes always lead back to one thing: God. In God I hope; I hope in His plans and His dreams, I hope in His strength and patience. For I know deep in my heart that without the hope and faith that God would give, to give me the strength to rise, I would have given up on any dreams I ever dared dream. I would be walking a life of no value, with no thought to myself or God or these people. My life would be fruitless, my heart, a stone; cold and dead. 

I can’t help but wonder how anyone would choose to live a life without hope or knowledge that there is a God who loves and will provide for them what is necessary for survival; strength and hope; a reason worth living. How do people who have lost everything stand to rise everyday without any recognition of a higher being who will care for them? How do they choose to keep living? What is the purpose of their life?

Perhaps these are odd questions but my mind cannot rest. I look back over the past several years and I know that without God’s constant strength (even when I couldn’t see or feel Him) I would have quiet given up on everything in my life. Today everything I think, do or say is driven by a desire to live for God, trusting that He has something worth while for my life. I have a reason and purpose for rising each and everyday regardless of how hopeless and dark situations appear to become. 

Who would I even be without my God? For my God defines me: my very breath is for Him. I am driven to serve Him and to become, myself, an image of whom Jesus was. It is something which I am constantly striving for and will forever pursue. If God did not define me and my purpose for living then what would define me?

What defines those people apart from God who lives lives with little hope? Is it their actions, words, or position in life? Is it their status, friends and titles? Or perhaps all  of those together? Who would I be should any of those ‘things’ define me? Would I be anyone in the world? 

I must admit I am very glad for a God whom I choose to have faith in, for without Him I would be very little in this world, with little purpose and meaning. I would be empty, hollow and weak. Would I even have a chance in this world? Would I be able to withstand the storms that life brings?

       

       Any trail that I am able to walk with God is more of a blissful storm then a tempest at all. It is a sweet rain that refreshes the soul, though it may sting ever so slightly, simply because God protects, strengthens and uses it for good. Through life's storms, God develops us: "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations, be assured and understand that the trials and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing."  where as walking through a  storm alone and broken can bring  ruin to the soul. 

Through God I have life. I have hope and the strength to rise. In God I have a purpose, a reason to live. God defines me and loves me; He leaves me in want of nothing. How could I ever look at my life and not see how God has provided and walked with me? God walks with me through the blissful storms and restores my broken and bruised heart. Life is hard, and that's why I need God. 

I praise God for today and tomorrow for the life I can live in Him. 

  
    
        

A Wondering Heart

       It is quiet a conflict within ones self, when you begin to listen to the worlds croons and calls. It is a misleading of the heart; a doubting, wondering heart. It is so crucial to hold on to God's truths, regardless of the circumstance and the logic of the world. Yet the conflict often becomes, what is God's truth? What He is promising me? The world as an awful habit of twisting words, meaning, and implying things which were not meant to begin with. They make sense out of things which make little sense Spiritually, but because of the logic behind it, it makes me question what God is truly saying to me...


         This month has been a battle of truth and logic. One that has left me questioning, hanging and praying for something to make sense; something which would lead my wondering heart. Perhaps something that would connect the dots in-between the opposing arguments. But what I didn't realize was the very fact that there were no dot's to connect. The only thing that mattered was God's truth; things that He asked us and things that He promised us if we walked His road.
    
        I don't have to worry about what makes sense to people. Or even what makes sense to myself, as long as I know I am doing my best to live according to the life God desires me to live. If I am seeking Him with a heart that wants to know Him and serve Him, it is true I will still make decisions that aren't always the right decisions before God, but He will lead me and guide and pick me up again. I will continue to rise even when I fall hard, because if I don't walk this road with God what do I have in this World? Part of falling, is part of learning and part of growing. I can't know everything, but if I strive to know God the more I have to stand on. In every circumstance and situation God will always provide a way because my heart is for Him and Him alone.

       My wondering heart worries much over what the world will me and my life choice. My wondering heart I often catch lusting over acceptance and the simple pleasure of even one heart which beams with pride for me. But that isn't what I'm supposed to be wondering. This life isn't about being accepted or approved of by men, but by God. I am called to be a servant, just as my Jesus was for me. No other title or ambition is acceptable in my eyes, when I want to be living for Him and like Him. He gave everything; thought nothing of Himself and things He could gain in this world. And so as I believe God is leading me somewhere, I must not let my heart wonder. For God's road isn't easy but it is the only road I can walk with a heart that truly pleases the Lord. No more wondering.

      I want to hold fast to the life I believe with my whole heart that God is calling me to lead. The world can think many things, but I will aways have a hand to hold with God.