By Design

      I know that God is good. I know that He is holy, perfect, and almighty. I know that God is all powerful and that through Him anything is possible, but I didn't know-not truly- that God's plans and His design for my life could leave me feeling so empty, hurt, and broken. In my heart even through the pain, I know that this is just a season in the scheme of things; I sincerely believe that this pain; deep hurt and brokenness in me, will be the very thing that strengthens and creates my heart into the character that God has designed. But that knowledge; the understanding of that, does nothing in this moment to comfort or console the deep anguish inside of my heart and very soul.

     I always felt that my plans and dreams were by far, a lesser image of what God saw in my life, and these last few years have been evidence of that; particularly these past few months. He has taken me;  my heart, life, dreams and expectations places I never dreamed, nor wanted to go. He has challenged, corrected, disciplined, and taught me things that my little heart has carried with joy and sorrow.

    Tonight everything I have planed for my life has come to a stand still and I am being require to stand before God, and test my heart in these dreams and desires for my life. Everything I have wanted and craved is being evaluated and tried. And I am being required to set every last bit of my dreams in the hands of God, where He takes it and choose to give it or keep it, but in any case I have to have no expectation that I will receive it back on any occasion.

     All of these years I have walked, I have truly believed that I had given God my plans and dreams. I believe with my whole heart that I was walking the road that He wanted me to take. But now I question that belief, and it is perhaps the most excruciating exercise I have ever attempted. Everything I love- with the exception of God Himself- is set before God as a sacrifice, just as Abrahams only son Isaac was set upon that alter as a living Sacrifice. I have been commanded to take this sacrifice and give it to God, regardless of the outcome; perhaps He will provide a goat, or a sheep, but He is not required to, and I can't expect Him to.

    My heart is in need of healing, my life and my desires need to be God's desires for me. I want this road I walk to be the road God design for me. I want to pursue with everything in me the dreams that are truly from God. There are so many things I could do my life, the question is: 'What does God want me to do with my life. Where does He want me tomorrow. Where does He want me today?'

    It is not easy to give to God the things which have become part of my heart. But right now, tonight and tomorrow it is necessary.

    I can only pray that God will use me and my heart and my life to bring Glory to His name.