I look around me at white walls; void of color. I lay in a bed that is as strange to me as this room that I've been led into for a time. I'm far away from home; that place I know-laden with familiar comforts, pictures, and images that have evolved through my life and have become part of me and my world as I know it. But today I'm found in an unfamiliar world and it is here; in this quiet reserved, and secret abode where I am for the first time in my life, being striped down and exposed before my God and my family.
In all honesty I find myself searching earnestly for words which would color a picture that you would be able to relate with-somthing that you could possibly understand, perhaps even more clearly than I-myself- do at this time. But I will try and I beg you, please forgive me if my attempt proves fruitless.
The first image I dare to describe is this: In my mind I picture myself standing before the throne of God, and as I stand there I look into His beautiful eyes, and I say: "My Lord, O My Lord! I know You!" But instead of the reciprocal joy I expect to see in His face, He simply shakes His head, and with a sad little smile, He looks at me and with sorrow He replies: "No, daughter, you do not know Me."
Another picture is this: I stand before a mirror and in this mirror I see a woman; beautiful, kind, loving, gentle, wise, and understanding. This woman is a reflection of righteousness before God, of purity and obediences, such as the woman I've imagined myself to be. "See God, I am this woman, I am pure and righteous, and I have been obedient to You." But before my eyes, the image of this woman in the mirror becomes distorted, and when the picture again becomes one a clarity, there before me stares a child; one of ignorance, immaturity, and one speckled dirt, grime and various scrapes and bruises. A child clearly lacking knowledge, understanding and a life of purity and obedience. "Daughter, can you not see that you are still a child; still naive and of little understanding, lacking Me?"
As I reside in the seclusion of this distant land-apart from the noise and chaos of my comfortable world; within these white walls, where quiet thoughts and questions rise among me, I find myself suddenly aware of the images that I have made of myself, and the deception that I have fallen prey of. I am finding within these strange walls, how easily I fall captive to pride, praise of self, and indulgence in the relationship I believe that I have with Christ. I am beginning to see how childish, and dirty my heart truly is. And I am recognizing my need for Christ's grace to do the work in my life and heart where I am so severely lacking Him.
I truly believed that I was doing all I could for Christ; that I was living a life for Him, and it took bringing me out of my normal life, to open my eyes to all that I was lacking in Him. I am seeing more everyday, area's in my life where I am not living out everyday for Christ, but in effect for my own glory, comfort and pleasure. There have been things I have given to Christ in my life, but God requires all area's of my life; this I have not given to Him.
Here I am, laying in this strange bed, within these white walls, lacking the comforts of my home, not as a woman but as a child, exposed before God, and craving Him and His grace to make me whole. My life -as I have said on so many occasions- is not my own, I need to be living for Christ in whole, not through my strength but the the grace of Christ is. I am a child, in a strange land, humbled and discovering God in a new light.
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