I love you

"Me and God were talking again today, and He told me something wonderful about what it means to really love you. 
I realized that:
It isn't about the things you do for me, or the place that you have in my life now or in the future, but rather being able to encourage you (the one person I wish most of all to see shine with the glory of God) to seek God's desire for you, and to help you get to the place He is leading you. It isn't about who you are for me, it is loving you for who you are for God. It's about being there and doing everything in me to come to your side and help you. Not to have you wait on me and serve me, but to help you wait on and serve God. This life, and this love we share; it isn't about us or how we can better serve each other, but rather, how we can better serve God together...

God and I had a pretty deep conversation. I was kind of taken aback by the reality of what it really means to love you and to help you. It isn't about me at all...in any way...it is about you and helping you succeed for God... "


The more I think about what it means to truly love someone the more humbled I feel. I am ashamed to look at myself and see how often I have so thoughtlessly disregard what that means. I say a thousand times 'I love you', but so much more often then not, my actions are not standing up in those words. I can't possibly count the number of times I have told myself, 'love is not about you', and yet I still allow those selfish thoughts and emotions to override the truth of real 'God love'.  God doesn't love us because of anything we do, or anything we say, and when we aren't acting our part in our relationship between God and us, He doesn't stop loving us, He doesn't find some excuse or reason to hold a grudge against us. Why is it that so often I think 'well God is God, He understands why I do and say the things I do, He knows I can't be perfect however hard I try,' but I don't hold myself accountable to hold other people in that same light. I think 'they should know better than to say or do that, or to not say or do something'. I think that I have the right to be offended and hurt and to hold a grudge against them. It so often about how they treat me or make me feel. But aren't they just as human as I? And aren't the same mistakes that they are making with me -the ones that they should know better then to do- the same ones I am making in my relationship with God? And yet He still forgives me and loves me...
God is not selfish, if He was then we would have no life, no hope of being saved. 


Why do I think I have the right to be concerned about the way things people do and say effect me? Why do I think I have any right to assume that anyone owes me anything? 


If I truly love someone-that can be anyone; my husband, my mother or father, my brothers and sisters, friends and even strangers- then I should be more concerned about how what I am doing effects them and how I can help them. Love is not about what you receive, I think it more so about what you give. God gave everything, why I should I only give part? 


I have prayed a thousand times, 'God teach me how to love like you do, show me what that means.' He shows me and maybe it means something for a day, but I am so quickly sucked into this world and my sinful flesh that I quickly forget again. And I lose sight of what it means to love someone. 


I think if I can go into any relationship whether, friend, sister, daughter, or wife with the objective to serve them and to help them be their best and do their best for God, how can I wrong? If I am constantly doing everything in me to serve and to give, because I love them, then how is it, that, it easy to get so wrapped up in myself and the way things effect me? 


I want to love you the way God loves you and the way God loves me. I want to come to your side, not expecting anything from you, but to simply pour myself out for you. I want to give until there is nothing left to give. 


I want to love like God does. 


I want you to be all you can for God, not for me or for anyone else. 


I want to love you the way God desires you to be loved.

Waiting-My wish is that Your will be done, not mine.

     Right now I feel peaceful when I think about where God has us right now and what He is preparing us for. (Us being my family, and Alex and I) I feel like it has been a long last couple months, a lot of uncertainties and confusion. But through all the ups and downs of these last few months, I beginning to truly understand why it is so important to have those ups and downs.

     I feel like I have learned so much in these last few weeks. I have a new depth of patience for waiting for something I don't even know how to prepare myself for. I am beginning to feel like I can really trust God with where He is leading us. A couple months ago Alex was given a choice to choose to move down to me know and get married in a year or so, or to wait a couple years and get done his school and then come for me. Alex really sought out God's desire in it and he really felt like he was  supposed to stay where he was at the time. It was decision no one really understood. I don't know even if I truly understood his decision either. There were so many benefits to him moving out to me now and just getting married. But even though no one understood it, he stuck to it. A month later we found out we may have to move, now we aren't sure that we have to move now, but it is a serious possibility in a couple months. If Alex had given into what he wanted and what I wanted and what the people around us thought was best, my family could have been stuck here in New York, or we would have had to move and left Alex here in New York. But God knew that and because Alex obeyed and listened we aren't in that position and my family is able to go where God is leading us. 

    That situation; that experience opened my eyes to a God that could see into things and care enough about me, and Alex and my family to guide us through these last few months and decisions. I always knew He had a plan for me, and Alex, and my family, but I am beginning to see how huge and in depth those plans are. Right now I am to the point of not trying to plan anything anymore. I know if I seek God's direction in everything I do He will lead me to where He wants me, and cares about where I am and what I am doing. God sees that we can't begin to imagine. 

     In our minds and our humans eyes, things may seem wise and smart and practical, and when God says no to something we can't understand, we often get so flustered and irritated; sometimes even denying that God would say that or require that something from you because it doesn't make sense. But sometimes is isn't suppose to make sense. We can't see between the lines, all we see is what is happening around, but sometimes there more happening then what we see at first. 

     The more think about everything I want in life and everything I have ever dreamed of, the more I wonder if I really want it. I don't want my will anymore, I want what God wants for me. He understands better then anyone, how He can best use me, what I need most, and what would truly be a blessing. If could have a wish, I don't I think I would want to use it. What could I possible wish for? I don't want to be any richer than God has made me, I don't want to be any wiser and more experienced then I am now, I don't want anything that I don't have now, because I believe that God has a reason for everything in my life. I have a perfect amount of money and God has given the experiences I have need; He has given me everything need right now. Why would I want to add or take away from that?

     God's dreams are so much sweeter than my own. I am seeing first hand the truth in that. Alex and I long for each other more everyday, but God knows that and He is preparing us for the day when we can be together. I believe that now...it still doesn't make the distance any easier...I do ache for him, I feel lonely and long just to be with him again. 

     I still have no clue what is going to happen in this year, I don't know where my family will be, or what we will be doing. Or where Alex I and will be. But I think I am finally okay with just waiting. I am actually kind of excited to see what will happen. Its so grand mystery just waiting to be discovered. I know that though the days may get harder and the time become longer God will use it. We will have a happy ending someday. That day may be when we are all in heaven together with God, or tomorrow, or in a couple years. When ever it may be, I will wait for God's timing. 

Today is a good day. I feel peaceful. It may not last forever, but at least I will always know that God is here and guiding Alex and I, and my family. 

It isn't about me...

I think to myself, why do I feel that I have a right to complain to God and to think I have the right to ask Him to make things easier for me? How can I sit there and complain about how hard my life is, and be so unwilling to stand up in God and face the life I have been given? Why do I think I deserve anything; whether it is to be treated with a certain respect or that I should have something particular because I earned it? Why do I sit here and become so depressed when things doing work out perfectly and easy for me? I ask ‘How much longer will you make me go through this God?’ I plead ‘Please don’t make this so hard. Please help me!’ and I think that He should help and that He should make things easier. But how can I ask that when I am constantly failing Him? When I constantly ignore Him, believe that I know better, that I have a better understanding of things? How can I think I deserve anything? 

My God gave me everything; His son, my life, forgiveness, grace and mercy. He made His son go under sever torture for me even as I sit here and practically spit in His face! And I have the gaul to think I deserve something beautiful. If it wasn’t for Jesus, I would have nothing, not with the selfish life, and attitude I have carried through my life. The only reason I have anything today is because a gracious God choose through His loving grace and mercy. It has nothing to do with what I have done, what I have given, or what I deserve. Only because He loved me. 

The realization that I really shouldn’t have anything through this life that I have lead, makes me really look at what I do have and appreciate it in a whole new and refined way. I think I am beginning to understand what God meant when He said that He loves me.  I am beginning to understand the depth of God’s Mercy and Grace. 

If only I could truly love God the way He loves me. I remember being eight or nine years old, and sitting in church, and as they sang to God I remember closing my eyes and just listening for God’s voice. It was the first time I ever heard God’s voice so clearly in my little heart. ‘I love you, Leah’ I remember a warm tingling sensation filling me up and a coolness, as if God were above my head sprinkling cool refreshing water onto my face. That was my first encounter with God and beginning to understand that He was real and that He truly loved me. I remember from that time I began to pray that God would show me His love. At first it was a little prayer, but as the years progressed and my relationship with Christ grew I began to pray in a deeper way. My prayer today is that God would teach me how to Love like He does and that His love would fill up from the inside and overflow out of me like a river wetting everyone around me with His loving Grace and Mercy. 

I am beginning to truly see Him revealing His love to me in so many different ways. I now understand that His love is deeper and more intimate then I believe I will ever be able to comprehend. But I also see Him teaching me slowly, but surely what it really means to love. We have had to repeat so many lessons due to the selflessness of my flesh interfering. But by the grace of God’s patience I am believe I am learning. 

Love is selfless, love is kind, love is understanding, love is true, love isn’t given because we deserve it but because God is holy, merciful and gracious. 

     I am feeling very humbled today. If only we could all understand God's love, perhaps there wouldn't be such strife and sorrow between us...

I want to be the Maiden in my hearts eye

     I say I am alright, but I wonder if I am. I want to scream and run. I don’t feel like I am handling this situation the way God wants me too. In my mind I envision a maiden, calm and gentle, whom believes more in God and in His plans than in what is happening around her. She takes things and gives them right to God. She doesn’t drive herself crazy trying to understand what God has purposely left a mystery for her. She is beautiful and graceful and her priorities are where they should be. She doesn’t let the chaos of the world infect her and her life. She takes each day and searches for the blessings that God gives...even when the world around her is as dark as the starless night and the foul language and hateful words hiss about her ears and heart. She hears the cries of the needy and knows how to help them without letting it take over her and infect her soul with worry and anxiety. In everything she does she is gracious and understanding. She is beautiful and graceful and forgiving and her words silk like honey. She doesn’t laugh at evil things in jest or in hurt and anger. She doesn’t even think of those evil plots and avenging ideas. She wouldn’t ever imagine hurting a person, physically or emotionally, she never threatens and never desires it. Her heart is completely devotes to God and to the people He places in her life, in her daily walk. You see her and she is shining, the eyes alight with love and compassion. Her gentle touch softens even the hardest of hearts. Her heart so pure her her actions proclaim it. And yet when you look into her face, you don't see the soft sweet lips, and the bejeweled eyes, you see Jesus Christ alive and breathing in her. You see the works of God, and the love of God so full and brimming that is washes your feet in the precious fountain of grace and God's love. 

I desire more then anything else in the world to be like her. But I feel so foul and ugly. I would never really hurt someone, but isn’t threatening and laughing about the idea just as terrible as the action? What about how I go crazy trying to make sense of everything when it is obvious that I am not supposed to understand? I feel like I have become callused. I look back even just a year from now and I remember how disturbed I was to hear such cruel things come from my friends mouths, and yet I look at me now and those very same words come from my mouth.  I use to be understanding and patience, but right now I feel so far from that. It is the most disturbing thing I have ever felt. Where am I? Why am I suddenly acting and thinking like this? What happened to me being calm and a little more understanding then I am now? What happened to my heart felt convictions about the way I spoke and thought of people? What happened to me simply forgiving them and being able to in turn think and pray for them and not let them hurt me and effect me? I think part of me feels like I need to protect myself now.  I don’t know. I feel like the fragile thing I was before has been totally erased because I decided that I need to be my own strength...I hate it. I want to feel like I am being protected. I want to know that someone is there that will do everything and anything to be my shield and strength. I know God is...I guess I just don’t trust Him enough. But  I am only a fake tough and I won’t be able to stand up to people forever. I am already breaking down. I really need to let myself be myself and let God and the other men in my life protect me. I am wearing myself out. I can’t do this anymore. 

I feel so far away from being even a small example of this maiden my heart seems to know so well. I want be different like she is. I want to be there for people like she is. I want my words to be silk like honey soothing the restless hurting hearts of God's precious people.  I want God to shine in my eyes the same way He does in her eyes. I want to be patience and trusting like she is. I want to stop trying to make sense of things when God simply requires me to believe in Him and His plans for me.