Come with me to the mountain

            I am an ordinary person serving an extraordinary God. My dreams and desires have been based upon simple imaginations and human comprehension; mere figments of a materialistic vision, but God has taken my simple mind and fleshy desires, calling me to Himself; revealing in the process His extraordinary design for the declaration of His Glory.  I am a self-centered creation, serving a self-centered God, in all reality desiring and obsessed in bring myself glory rather than proclaiming the Glory of the almighty, all powerful, perfect and holy God.


              Over the past six months, God had begun to opened my eyes to the true beauty and delight in living for the simple sake of declaring His glory among all the nations. He has taken my dreams, my ideals, and everything I had chosen to believe in apart from His grace and promises, and striped me of them. I was shaken. For the true reality stuck me at the heart: I am a powerless human being, whose dreams are built on the beach of a raging sea, where at any moment the things I had chosen to cling to could be washed away in the foaming waters, so vast and deep. My dreams had been washed away and I was left behind with a simple question- with a choice: was I going to accept God's plans for me and seek earnestly after His heart, or was I going to dive into the raging sea in an aspiration of retrieving the dreams I desired? I knew in my heart that the sea would overwhelmed me and darkness and death would be the outcome, but it wasn't easy to turn my face from the raging waters to seek greater things.

              In life there is a mountain in the horizon from whence a glorious light shines; far off, beyond deserts, plains, valleys and forests of intimidating width and length filled with unknown territory and hidden mysteries lurking in darkness far beyond the comfort of the sea: the things familiar and seen.

             The light from that mountain in my life drew me spiritually and emotionally: there no way to simply describe with words the necessity to reach that mountain top: but the passionate hunger for that light far exceeded anything else worth pouring myself into.  And so began a new dream: reach the mountain top where God waited in all His glory and perfection.

            I have begun a journey to a mountain top where God waits. And I have only just begun the walk but already has God begun truly revealing Himself in a different light. God didn't call me to live my life on a sea shore building castles in the sand, hoping and praying that the waters would calm, and the sea would still to protect my perfect little world. I wasn't asked to casually go out where I am comfortable and speak of a God that I claim to serve whistle I live my life in sand. When I looked toward that mountain, I realized for the first time that Jesus didn't say "go make disciples" but as you go (I suppose that means as I pursue the mountain of God) I would make disciples wherefore they would leave their common places and follow after in likewise pursuit of the glorious light always calling from afar.

            I am ordinary person, my sand castle wash away time after time, and yet I am so enamored with my fanciful dreams and desires, and the creativity which my mind possess: for the grand plans and hopes of the world that I build temporary material castles anew over and over again,  instead of abandoning my ideals and dreams to discover God in all His glorious display.

             Since I have turned my eyes from the sea to the glorious light, this road in the midst of the trying moments, and the difficult pursuit, God met me, and taken me by hand and leads me down the road. I stumble often but He has already taken me places far above and beyond anything my mind could dream or imagine. He has taken my empty dreams and filled my heart with joy in discovering His mysteries hidden along this broken road, already having exceeded any dreams that I could have built in the midst of castles of sand.

               God is extraordinary. His glory far more fulfilling then anything a man or woman can comprehend.

              Come with me to the mountain where we can someday behold God in all His Glory singing to the Lord most High, worthy of all praise and glory.

Self: The Fleshy Sin-infiltered Enemy of God

        There are three; three parts to me. First reigns God in my Spirit and in my heart, Second lives Spirit or Soul; the breath and thought hidden deep within, Third is Self, the Fleshy; sin in-filtered enemy of God, slave to all things unrighteous, condemned to death.  These create me, and in me with these three rages an ever present war, perhaps hidden from the worlds eyes, but a constant and unavoidable reality in the eyes of the Spirit. 

Self is a vile enemy of my soul, she attacks unmercifully, seeking for some witty scheme to cause my soul to fall for her-to befriend her in her self absorbed world. She once wrote: 

“Never has my eye burned brighter, nor my heart raged with such a deep furry, for my inner person, yea my very soul to whom I had made friend and comrade finds herself seeking deeper things, beyond me; beyond what I seek and desire. I pray thee tell me, what has captured the heart of my inner person so much that she dares to stand apart from me-rejecting my flesh and the things that I am in this world; the woman I should be, the things I should do and say. She dares to treat me as though I am some vile, unholy subject of this life, filled with unrighteous desires which are abhorred in the eyes of some supposed higher being. She looses appreciation for the things I accomplish, and does not even care to acknowledge the wonderful things I say, write and imagine, not even the things in which I do good unto other beings. It is as if she wishes to have nothing to do with me.”

-Self

          This is the heart of Self; the fleshy, sin in-filtered enemy of God. She is the cause of the heaviness of my heart. She has become my enemy and so the battle rages ever onward, hardly ceasing, even through the dead of night while not even the moon cares to light the heavy dank hood of an almost hopeless brawl.  Self, though she claims her innocence, is sin in flesh; her cravings and desires founded upon the lusts in the world, approval of men, and exaltation and praise of herself. In many ways she sees herself as a god: desiring to be treated, thought of, and approved as such. The world; her momentary lover, cradles her promising riches, power, and life, all of which she seeks after through night and day. She is the empress of life, powerless over nothing save natural forces which are in her mind nothing more than chemical reactions unavoidable even so by the most powerful of all Deity.  She is flesh apart from the Holy and perfect Spirit: adulterer, master of untruth, wrath, hatred, strife, pride and indulgence. She dares to reject the supreme, pure, perfect and Holy Deity of God rather thinking of herself as an equal if not above this ‘unseen, unproven, master of the universe.’ Not only does she dare to reject the  perfect and holy Deity of God, but also has she the audacity to require of my soul the same rejection of God. It is this underlying command that causes the ever raging battles between self and my heart.

If I have learned anything through these last five months, it comes down to this: through devote, faithful, passionate seeking after the heart of Christ you begin to see a vileness of your heart that you would have been blinded to ordinarily. For in discovering the heart of Christ my eyes are being opened to the heart of self-being Me. When Jesus revealed a part of His perfect purity and love, so was a sin revealed in my heart. For the more I grow and mature in Christ I find the war magnifying with ever more battles and various tribulations. 

Self is one, but I am two-First Christ in me and then my spirit; both armed for battle. My greatest enemy is not hiding under my bed, tormenting me with hideous whispers through the dark nights, it is not some ugly beast that waits for me in the allies of this city, it is no demon, no figment of imagination-it is hidden, disguised within me often as some angelic wisdom and reasoning. Whereby she takes me by surprise and I find myself giving my heart to the thing of flesh, my countenance of purity and holiness once-again spotted and defiled before God. 

The war will not cease until the day He comes for me. The battles may grow graver: of a venomous malice and she will grow wiser through every fray, but may that also be proof of the work of Christ in my heart. It is a lovely thing to see the beauty and perfection of the Lord, but in coherence to that I must also embrace it, rejecting self, understanding in fullness the underlying, disguised wickedness which separates me from God. 

Conflictions

     Are there words enough to describe the contradictions of my heart these past few days? I wonder is there is any way to describe the hopeful hopelessness and the strength that surges within me as I fall again and again too weary to rise, is there a single phrase which would do justice to the strange conflict of my soul? I rise to fall and fall to rise, searching for some hidden mystery behind all of these senseless battles?

     Is there anyone of you whom have even felt so strange within your heart. To be strong and holding fast to the things you believe that God has placed on your heart, and yet to fall in the midst, overcome by a alien sense of complete and utter helplessness? Have you ever been so passionate in seeking a life of serving our Lord, and yet felt so lost and discouraged at the very same moment?

    A season they tell me, just a season. But how much longer can any single season possibly last? I'm tried of fighting, I'm tired of the confusion and I'm tired of a heart which aches and hurts no matter how much I lean on and trust my God. It is true that He is giving me strength, and I am finding joy in Him and I know without a doubt that He is enough to satisfy the deepest longing of my soul, but the ache is still there, and so the hope that someday soon, it won't have to ache any more. That someday this season, will bring about sunshine and peace which lasts through the night.

  

Looking into Glass

           It seems as I glance back over my shoulder at days past, everyday my world- the place inside myself which defines the things I have seen and done, the words which I have spoken and received, the faces I meet, and have seen from a distance, and the thoughts which have grown and matured in my heart- has grown in leaps and bounds, and continues to expand immeasurably day-by-day. I look into my mirror, the glass which peers with such accuracy into ones soul, so much so that I dare not question the reflection before me; it shows me things of beauty but also those things which one would choose to keep from sight, and as I stand day-by-day the image I see before me gradually reveals subtle changes about me; changes which leave evidence of the growth which has been forming within me since birth; changes for better and for worse.  

         

         I-the girl, so carefully preserved, clothed in innocence, kept apart from the world all these years so as to maintain the wistful haunting beauty of the pure ignorance of the evils of this corrupted world wherein all men have made a home-have been found now face-to-face with the strange and mysterious  revealings of the things of this world, and the things in which inhabit it, and I have been startled both in awe and disgust. This world in where I live, is like a grand story book; there things that I have seen and now heard with my own eyes and ears I believed had only existed in stories, which goes to reveal the ignorance and blissful dreaming of my heart. I have been pressed and questioned by my own beliefs which are so contradictory to the morals of this world, and I have been challenged and continue to stumble upon questions seemingly without answers. This great world in which I had been so protected from now rests at my doorstep, and I am learning and growing, maturing and strengthening my own convictions. This world is a big dark place, full of shadows and little whisperings meant to lure me away from the road I was meant to travel, but in this world there is also hope, growth and beauty beyond description.

           These past few months have brought about changes and growth in me beyond anything I could have prepared myself for. Valleys and mountains have dived and risen throughout this journey, deserts have stretched past the horizon, oceans have lapped against my walls, the roaring waves, foaming as wild beasts beset themselves upon me seeking to overwhelm me, and just as I believe I'm being drowned and washed away, overcome by the rabid surge, I always find myself,  when I open my eyes again washed upon some distant shore, and although I appear wet and battered, I am breathing and miles away from the angry sea. As I walk I encounter trials of every countenance, bearing alien emotions, fears and questions. The very things I never before imagined my heart would experience, are the very things my feet now tread upon. However though this journey is encamped with pains and questions, deep within the heart of this being, I am finding joy, and real peace in God. 

            There is something particularly exciting about walking a road less traveled, knowing that though I willing chose the harder road there is also a God whose grace surpasses the afflictions and weaknesses of self. As I walk my steps become less about how this will benefit me in the long run, but delighting in the idea of how my afflictions and infirmities make room for God's glory to be displayed. The more I walk a more difficult road, the more I find the need for God and the more I delight in His presences and His glory.  I realize more and more, how little I understand God, how little I know Him, the lack of comprehension I have of His power, love and glory. It is an exciting thoughts to imagine how much greater God is then my mind can comprehend, and yet that one day I will surly see His glory revealed among all nations.  To live for God I am finding, bring satisfaction that cannot possibly be found in living for self desires and the fleeting happiness the world offers. 

             I look into this glass and I realize that this little girl before me, is a little girl who is for the first time in her short life, beginning to see what it means to live simply for the Glory of God. I am small, and infected with sin and great weaknesses, and I see more everyday as I walk about this confused sad world that if I live for Self I have lost everything, just as those sad unhappy faces reflect the empty wanderings of their self-driven lives. I will only be filled and made complete in God, through His grace. This I now see as I watch my little mirror day-by-day. 

White Walls

            I look around me at white walls; void of color. I lay in a bed that is as strange to me as this room that I've been led into for a time. I'm far away from home; that place I know-laden with familiar comforts, pictures, and images that have evolved through my life and have become part of me and my world as I know it. But today I'm found in an unfamiliar world and it is here; in this quiet reserved, and secret abode where I am for the first time in my life, being striped down and exposed before my God and my family.

            In all honesty I find myself searching earnestly for words which would color a picture that you would be able to relate with-somthing that you could possibly understand, perhaps even more clearly than I-myself- do at this time.  But I will try and I beg you, please forgive me if my attempt proves fruitless.

          The first image I dare to describe is this: In my mind I picture myself standing before the throne of God, and as I stand there I look into His beautiful eyes, and I say: "My Lord, O My Lord! I know You!" But instead of the reciprocal joy I expect to see in His face, He simply shakes His head, and with a sad little smile, He looks at me and with sorrow He replies: "No, daughter, you do not know Me."

         Another picture is this: I stand before a mirror and in this mirror I see a woman; beautiful, kind, loving, gentle, wise, and understanding. This woman is a reflection of righteousness before God, of purity and obediences, such as the woman I've imagined myself to be. "See God, I am this woman, I am pure and righteous, and I have been obedient to You." But before my eyes, the image of this woman in the mirror becomes distorted, and when the picture again becomes one a clarity, there before me stares a child; one of ignorance, immaturity, and one speckled dirt, grime and various scrapes and bruises. A child clearly lacking knowledge, understanding and a life of purity and obedience. "Daughter, can you not see that you are still a child; still naive and of little understanding, lacking Me?"

         As I reside in the seclusion of this distant land-apart from the noise and chaos of my comfortable world; within these white walls, where quiet thoughts and questions rise among me, I find myself suddenly aware of the images that I have made of myself, and the deception that I have fallen prey of. I am finding within these strange walls, how easily I fall captive to pride, praise of self, and indulgence in the relationship I believe that I have with Christ. I am beginning to see how childish, and dirty my heart truly is. And I am recognizing my need for Christ's grace to do the work in my life and heart where I am so severely lacking Him.

        I truly believed that I was doing all I could for Christ; that I was living a life for Him, and it took bringing me out of my normal life, to open my eyes to all that I was lacking in Him. I am seeing more everyday, area's in my life where I am not living out everyday for Christ, but in effect for my own glory, comfort and pleasure. There have been things I have given to Christ in my life, but God requires all area's of my life; this I have not given to Him.


       Here I am, laying in this strange bed, within these white walls, lacking the comforts of my home, not as a woman but as a child, exposed before God, and craving Him and His grace to make me whole. My life -as I have said on so many occasions- is not my own, I need to be living for Christ in whole, not through my strength but the the grace of Christ is. I am a child, in a strange land, humbled and discovering God in a new light.

    

    




          

Like Him

         Everywhere I look I see a sign of the very existence of my God. I wonder if it is this place and the beautiful mountains which have taken captive my heart, or if through all the pain and sorrow in my heart, that it has opened me up to Him in ways I wasn't before. I look for Him everywhere, because I'm terrified to be without Him, I'm so alone through this walk and only God alone can understand it, and whenever I search I always find Him somewhere. Sometimes His whispers amongst the cat tails, His touch in the sweet breeze tenderly and lovingly stroking my cheek, His tears along side my own as the raindrops dance upon the window pane, and then there are times when I truly believe I hear Him speaking not words my ears can hear but a language my heart speaks. I know that though this is lonely I'm not alone, and God is evidently working in my heart and in my life in dramatic ways.

     I don't know yet what my life holds for me;  the things that I will do or accomplish, but I know that God is beginning to guide me through it. I have a dream, I have hope, and until God shows me that these dreams hopes are not of Him I will hold on to them with everything in me. Today, I simply pray that He would begin to make me a woman; that He would mature my heart, my thoughts, and my mind, so that I might be slightly more like Him.



    

Tempered to Perfection by God's Hands

         There is so much I could write on the subject of my heart and the trails, fears and anticipation that have plagued my very soul, spirit and mind. I could go into detail of the hopeless despair that clung to my heart. I could tell you of the fears which wrapped themselves and imprinted in my mind horrors and tore at my heart. I could paint such a picture that you could imagine the anticipation that oppressed me and stripped me of the calm peace which Jesus had given to me. But why would I choose to dwell upon the inconsolable afflictions, when my eyes have sought out the heart of Jesus?

     It is true that these past five days have been, in many forms, an abhorrent  nightmare, but even in the darkest hour of this night, I have seen a light, so bright that His angel's breath could be seen. I knew that though I felt terribly alone and desolate in the cold shadows of the dark, I was being embraced and held in the arms of God, while angels surrounded me, armed for war, as body guards of a King would stand ready before the throne. I knew that it was okay to be weak, and to allow Jesus to protect me; my heart, spirit, and soul. It was okay to cry, because I was broken and bruised. As Jesus held me, and still holds me, I saw and continue to see, His hand covering my wounds and healing me from the inside out. It is the beginning of a healing in my heart, and I know it's not going to happen over night, but I know also that through this tribulation that Jesus will not leave me, and He will hold me as He renews my strength and open my eyes to the wonders He has in store for me; my life, my dreams and inmost desires.

    There are mountains and valleys in the horizon, and I can only begin to imagine the journey which is set before my feet. As I have had this time in arms of God, He has begun a healing, but even further more, He has begun to reveal Himself to me deeper and more intimately then I ever dreamed. He has asked and required of me, a time where I turn my eyes from the things my heart loves on this world, and train my sight upon His heart and His eyes. I believe that I am beginning to fall in love with Jesus as a woman would fall for a man.

    I don't know what God has planed for me through all of this but as someone wonderful once said:  "..through these trials we have to go through, my heart will be tempered to perfection by God's Hands."
Only God can do the work in my heart that I crave, and I most certainly crave Jesus in every way; I want to know Him, to become like Him; a reflection of His heart in mine. God is the only one who can do that in me; He is the only one who can perfect, purify, and mold my heart as in-depth as any one could desire. 


     As looked into the mirror this morning, instead of seeing a woman, I saw a child; a simple minded, tender child. I realized how much I still have to learn, and how much maturing God still has to do in my heart, before I am truly a woman who fears, loves and knows the Lord. But it encourages me to see and feel the hand of God on my heart, holding me, loving me, and molding me. 


Perhaps someday my heart will be fully 'tempered to perfection by God's Hands'. Today however, I will focus my eyes and heart on God, and I will look to eyes of Jesus and allow Him to heal me, and mold me, and I will fall in love with Him more everyday durning and exceeding this tribulation at hand.