Tempered to Perfection by God's Hands

         There is so much I could write on the subject of my heart and the trails, fears and anticipation that have plagued my very soul, spirit and mind. I could go into detail of the hopeless despair that clung to my heart. I could tell you of the fears which wrapped themselves and imprinted in my mind horrors and tore at my heart. I could paint such a picture that you could imagine the anticipation that oppressed me and stripped me of the calm peace which Jesus had given to me. But why would I choose to dwell upon the inconsolable afflictions, when my eyes have sought out the heart of Jesus?

     It is true that these past five days have been, in many forms, an abhorrent  nightmare, but even in the darkest hour of this night, I have seen a light, so bright that His angel's breath could be seen. I knew that though I felt terribly alone and desolate in the cold shadows of the dark, I was being embraced and held in the arms of God, while angels surrounded me, armed for war, as body guards of a King would stand ready before the throne. I knew that it was okay to be weak, and to allow Jesus to protect me; my heart, spirit, and soul. It was okay to cry, because I was broken and bruised. As Jesus held me, and still holds me, I saw and continue to see, His hand covering my wounds and healing me from the inside out. It is the beginning of a healing in my heart, and I know it's not going to happen over night, but I know also that through this tribulation that Jesus will not leave me, and He will hold me as He renews my strength and open my eyes to the wonders He has in store for me; my life, my dreams and inmost desires.

    There are mountains and valleys in the horizon, and I can only begin to imagine the journey which is set before my feet. As I have had this time in arms of God, He has begun a healing, but even further more, He has begun to reveal Himself to me deeper and more intimately then I ever dreamed. He has asked and required of me, a time where I turn my eyes from the things my heart loves on this world, and train my sight upon His heart and His eyes. I believe that I am beginning to fall in love with Jesus as a woman would fall for a man.

    I don't know what God has planed for me through all of this but as someone wonderful once said:  "..through these trials we have to go through, my heart will be tempered to perfection by God's Hands."
Only God can do the work in my heart that I crave, and I most certainly crave Jesus in every way; I want to know Him, to become like Him; a reflection of His heart in mine. God is the only one who can do that in me; He is the only one who can perfect, purify, and mold my heart as in-depth as any one could desire. 


     As looked into the mirror this morning, instead of seeing a woman, I saw a child; a simple minded, tender child. I realized how much I still have to learn, and how much maturing God still has to do in my heart, before I am truly a woman who fears, loves and knows the Lord. But it encourages me to see and feel the hand of God on my heart, holding me, loving me, and molding me. 


Perhaps someday my heart will be fully 'tempered to perfection by God's Hands'. Today however, I will focus my eyes and heart on God, and I will look to eyes of Jesus and allow Him to heal me, and mold me, and I will fall in love with Him more everyday durning and exceeding this tribulation at hand. 

Eyelids close

      These past few days have left me drained of any energy or true excitement. The emotional battle has left me victorious but entirely spent and bruised. It was the first battle in conquest I have been sent upon. I know that every battle will leave me victorious for God is on my side, and we fight the enemy who is the essence of everything evil and void of true love, goodness, and purity. But even though I will be victorious in the end, battles do not come and go without losses, tears and trials; they do not come and go without a fight.
      This battle I have won as left true peace in my heart. I know that no matter what happens God has full and complete reign in my heart and He will give me rest and He will surly guide me to safe waters in the midst of this great war.

Tonight I rest. My eyelids close, and I let God carry me through the night. He is strong, and I am weak and He knows that I cannot bear this alone.

By Design

      I know that God is good. I know that He is holy, perfect, and almighty. I know that God is all powerful and that through Him anything is possible, but I didn't know-not truly- that God's plans and His design for my life could leave me feeling so empty, hurt, and broken. In my heart even through the pain, I know that this is just a season in the scheme of things; I sincerely believe that this pain; deep hurt and brokenness in me, will be the very thing that strengthens and creates my heart into the character that God has designed. But that knowledge; the understanding of that, does nothing in this moment to comfort or console the deep anguish inside of my heart and very soul.

     I always felt that my plans and dreams were by far, a lesser image of what God saw in my life, and these last few years have been evidence of that; particularly these past few months. He has taken me;  my heart, life, dreams and expectations places I never dreamed, nor wanted to go. He has challenged, corrected, disciplined, and taught me things that my little heart has carried with joy and sorrow.

    Tonight everything I have planed for my life has come to a stand still and I am being require to stand before God, and test my heart in these dreams and desires for my life. Everything I have wanted and craved is being evaluated and tried. And I am being required to set every last bit of my dreams in the hands of God, where He takes it and choose to give it or keep it, but in any case I have to have no expectation that I will receive it back on any occasion.

     All of these years I have walked, I have truly believed that I had given God my plans and dreams. I believe with my whole heart that I was walking the road that He wanted me to take. But now I question that belief, and it is perhaps the most excruciating exercise I have ever attempted. Everything I love- with the exception of God Himself- is set before God as a sacrifice, just as Abrahams only son Isaac was set upon that alter as a living Sacrifice. I have been commanded to take this sacrifice and give it to God, regardless of the outcome; perhaps He will provide a goat, or a sheep, but He is not required to, and I can't expect Him to.

    My heart is in need of healing, my life and my desires need to be God's desires for me. I want this road I walk to be the road God design for me. I want to pursue with everything in me the dreams that are truly from God. There are so many things I could do my life, the question is: 'What does God want me to do with my life. Where does He want me tomorrow. Where does He want me today?'

    It is not easy to give to God the things which have become part of my heart. But right now, tonight and tomorrow it is necessary.

    I can only pray that God will use me and my heart and my life to bring Glory to His name.

Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

         I close my eyes afraid to see the chaos of the world about my little head. I like to think of myself as strong in my Lord and faithfully unswerving in my trust in Him and His plans for me. I like to believe that my heart is whole and giving everything it is to it’s creator and the life that I live everyday. But tonight as I sit on my little chair, hard and cold, I realize how weak, unfaithful and broken I am. I am like a child shivering in the cold night, too terrified to move, lost in a big world, wondering where I am and how I came to this place so cold and hungry, longing so desperately for a tender word, a loving hand, a cradling safe place.  All around me strange shadows close in; mysterious monsters waiting for me to fall into their traps which lay in wait for an unsuspecting child, such as myself. Everything which was once familiar and safe, darkness invaded claiming it as it’s own, or so it seems in my childlike eyes. If ever there was a valley so shadowed and evil, this world I walk in everyday would be the darkest and vilest of them all. I am simply a child wondering, lost, void of any sense of direction, understanding, and hope. I am child weak, broken and in desperate need of my God. 

My heart so desperately wants to demand an explanation from God. I want Him to tell me why I am here, why I can’t understand, what good He could possibly be doing in me, and how this would be helping reach the people of this world. I want to know why things continue to exceed in tribulation and trails, when I have given everything I have to God. Why hasn’t any good come yet? How much longer do I have to walk through this before His blessings extend upon me? Yet, though these thoughts intrude upon my heart, there is a part of me even deeper than my heart; for my soul knows that God need not give any sort of explanation. He is God, and I am simply dust in the wind, here simply because He spoke my name, and breathed into me. Someone once told me that God promised two things after Jesus came and died for us. The first promise being that through Jesus’ sacrifice we have eternal life in God and will someday rest in heaven with Him, the Second; simply that we would have tribulations and trials; things which would test us, prove us, simply because we are the children of God. 

God owes me nothing in this world. He already given me something which I will never be able to repay. This Valley that I walk, cold and scared, is not supposed to be easy. I knew that when I first began down that narrow road, so I why do I question God’s will for me today? Perhaps my life will be a continual battle, and a nerve racking journey, but someday, whether on earth or in heaven, I will find peace and rest in Jesus. 

I am not ashamed to admit that I am truly terrified of this road that I’m walking down. I am falling down, stumbling blindly, but I am not alone. God is my strength. No matter what tomorrow holds, my heart must hold on to the name of my Lord. 

‘Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death I will fear no evil for You are with me.’

Thoughts...

'O God, thou are my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee, in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is; to see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary. Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness: and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips: when I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches. Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of they wings I will rejoice.'


      David's song is the cry of my heart; everything in me craves my God. I want to praise Him with all of my heart, soul, Spirit, and beyond anything I am, or have within me. My God is truly powerful and glorious beyond anything my petty little mind can imagine or comprehend. David said 'Thy lovingkindness is better than life', how much do I meditate on the fact that God's kindness and love is worth more than my life, and what my life might offer. God is worth more than any praise we can give Him, any love that we carry, anything we do. Nothing we do or are, is worth the lovingkindness of our Lord; our God. 


      I continuously evaluate my purpose in life; in my everyday, every hour, every breath I breathe.  Nothing I do will ever be enough to measure up to the praise and glory God deserves. I will never be humble enough, love enough, give enough, praise enough. And yet He helps me through everyday. How amazing is the lovingkindness of our God? No words can describe the mercy and love of our King, Lord, Almighty God. 


      I want to give all that I have though I know it still won't be enough, I want to give as much as God has given me. I want to live my every moment for my God. I want to praise Him in the darkest night. My God lives in my today! How beautiful He is. How lovely is the grace and mercy He bestows upon us unworthy. If only I could truly grasp the power and glory of my God. If only I could understand how Pure and mighty He is?! I would give anything to see the power and glory of our God.