A Bend in the Road

     It seems as though my life is in the hands of an author who desires to give His audience a story which will keep them on the edge of their seats, scared, thrilled, waiting to see what could possibly happen next. It is unique and yet so full of normal life. I wonder when, if ever, I will be able to sit and simply enjoy where He has me at in life. Time tends to move faster then I have to process and understand why things happen the way they do.
     I know that through ever journey these past 16 and a half years have held have been full of lessons and touch situations. But I also feel like all of those adventures and rough situations have really played into developing who I am today. Now I am waiting again to see where God is going to take us next.
     My Daddy was let go yesterday, so he is looking for a new job. But there is a chance we might have to move away again. I can't help but wonder if it will bring me closer to Alex. I am hoping in my heart that it does but I know that no matter what I hope, God's plans stand in my life. Part of me is afraid of where I'll be, and how it will interfere with all the dreams I have. I don't want to leave the people that I love so  much.
      A year ago, if the possibility of moving became reality I would have been ecstatic. I was looking for every way to get out of New York. I wanted to get away from all of the pain and confusion I was feeling. I wanted to try to start over. I was loosing touch with my friends, our church fell apart, and we were desperately struggling to find something to live for. We wanted to know what God had for us here in New York. Everything felt so hopeless and empty. But God kept us here, and closed all the doors. Since then we have become part of a church we love. The hearts there reach out and touch each other, we are coming together for God. My mom, sister and I started in the worship team and fell in love with it. I started working, and fell in love with the people I work with. I have been touched and have touch others. I feel like I have a purpose here. I feel like God has been using me and has been using others in my life. My family was able to help my uncle and cousin because we stayed. We gave them a home, and tried to give them a place where they felt welcome and loved.
      The idea of leaving everything God has done in this last year is depressing. I know God's plans are so much bigger then me, but sometimes it is so hard to keep walking and never seeing where I am going, until I am gone and can look back on it. I do want what He wants for me. But it will be hard to leave this all behind.

    

He is here

     This last week has been crazy and full to brim of amazing encounters, lonely hours, and heart breaking news. I have been lonely, scared, excited, sad and confused. I think more anything else simple confused. More anything in the world, I want to know that every hour; every day of my life I am seeking God's face in everything I do. I want my life to be simply consumed with God whether I am a 'Missionary', or a simple girl with a simple life, and simple job, being who God created me to be. I believe in the deepest, most sacred part of my heart, that God has a plan, and that He really can use me even when He hasn't asked me to go across the world and witness to starving people. I think that sometimes I can help more people by being a normal person who simply loves God and loves people and wants to be there for people. I know that I don't have to be a pastors wife, a missionary, a Christian singer to really use my life for Christ. I think that He can call me to a certain job or career because He wants to use me there. Perhaps there are situations where God doesn't care what you do or where you go, but I don't believe that is always the case, especially when it comes to what I want to do with my life.

     After looking back over the years, I can't help but to see God's hand in everything that has taken place. That includes the friends I have had, the people I have met and talked with, every time I have moved, my relationship with Alex, my relationship with my sisters and brothers. God has woven things together, opened doors, closed doors, and brought people into my life (at times only for a couple days), that have guided me and brought me to the point that I am at right now. I really think that there is so much more to life that what we can possibly imagine. We are talking about a God who created us, died for us, cares about our individual lives, and has a plan for each of us. Why would He not be completely involved in our lives and working invisibly in our lives to guide us and prepare us for what He whats us to do?

     Maybe it all depends on how much you desire for Him to guide you and lead you in everything. Maybe it all depends on where your heart is in relation to living your every day for God. Is there ever a time when you can be over consumed with God? Is there ever a time when you shouldn't give Him credit for the wonderful things that have occurred in your life? I believe that often we may think that God is leading us to do something, but we later realize that we were not hearing Him. But in those times, you take a step back and again seek God's will for you. How can someone be wrong in seeking God's will in everything? How can anyone be naive if they are truly putting aside all self desires to pursue what they feel God may be leading them to do? Why would it be wrong to say that 'I think that God is leading me to do this'? It isn't like saying that 'God said I had to do this'. I feel like in saying that 'I think that God is leading me somewhere', it is not saying that 'I know this was God' without being really sure that it was God. I feel like I would simply be saying that 'I think this is what He wants me to do, but I am not completely sure yet'.

     In many ways I feel like a tapestry right now. I feel like God is weaving situations, emotions, and convictions together into one beautiful picture. I am seeing how things and situations from when I was a child are creating this picture. I am seeing how things my parents say, respected elders, personal convictions and all of these different situations that I have been through are adding to this picture. I don't know what this will all look like years from now, but the point right now is that I can see and I understand that God has a design and that He is working in my life creating this work of art right now. Even the little, not so obvious stitches make a huge impact in the finished work.

     An amazing example as to how God has woven things together in my life has been the reconnection with my very first best friend from Texas. After many years of having no communication, I was able to chat with her on Facebook. We talked about things God was doing in both our lives. I couldn't believe how much God had worked in very similar ways in both of our lives. For the first time I didn't feel so alone in my convictions and the life I was trying to live. Here was a girl I loved who this whole time was going through similar things; a girl whom shared my convictions. I was six years old when I moved away from her. 10 almost 11 years have passed since then, and here we see everything God has done, and we are able to encourage and inspire each other. God ministered to me through someone I loved very dearly and yet never expected to be so encouraged by. He knew exactly what I need.
    
     Sometimes I don't understand why life has to be so confusing and why things have to be so hard. But I know that I can't let my worries and doubt get in the way of my faith in what God can do and the dreams I believe that He has for me.

Touch-I am not alone

Touch-I am not Alone

I soak in the crisp, sweet breeze whom gently tugs on my hair, begging me to run with it and dance in the sunset. There is magic in the brush strokes of heavenly landscape; the colors so vivid and true it I almost imagine it is breathing, and I can almost catch the quiet whispers from its little voice praising and worship the Master to whom all glory and honor belong. Every where around me I see the evidence that fairy dust was sprinkled; the weeping willow sways in the gentle breeze and I imagine if fairies where real they would be singing and swinging from the graceful vines with their angelic voices raised heavenward and it would be a song that all of the world could sing along with. The birds and bees would join the chorus, and even the mute and deaf would add noise to the beautiful orchestra. I sit here in awe at these breathe taking images; everything around me lit up and glowing as if by angel light. Everything is so lovely, that I feel I cannot sit another moment without the company of a friend or a loved one. 

Rising I search for a dear one to share the lovely evening with. Yet everywhere I turn and to every person I speak with, there is a duty which they need to preform, some responsibility which keeps them from joining me. From person to person I walk, longing just for a moment with them. But every where I go I am turned away. I cannot talk to them, I cannot touch them. I slowly return to my seat overlooking the magnificent view before me. Yet the magical enchantment which captured my heart just moments ago fades away and I am left looking out into empty space. 

Why does it feel so often that when I am finally free to be with people, to love and give my full attention to the dear ones of my heart, they are not free to be with me? Must this be such a lonely road? Yet, when I say I am lonely, I don't mean that I am alone, I mean that there is place missing inside of me somewhere. I will never be alone, but I can feel lonely when these people I love so dearly are so far away and at times so unreachable; when it feels like I can't touch them, and they can't touch me. What I need in these moments, is to reach out and touch the heart of God and allow Him to touch mine. 

      

It is Called Romance

With closed eyes and a soft smile upon my lips, I sit in wonder at him, trying to comprehend how any human could love me when I see constantly how I fail him. He loves me even while my imperfections are so prominent in my life and I am blown away at the very thought. Sometime I feel as though I am leaf on a tree and a single magnificent thought can sweep through the branches of my abode and carry me away on this silent breeze so much bigger than I am. How can anyone love someone so much that those imperfection are so completely  understood and even loved. And I ask while myself feeling as though I couldn’t love this man any more myself. I love him for his mistakes and his imperfections, I love everything about him; who he is, who isn’t, who want’s to be, his heart and anything and everything else related to him. Two years ago I would have never been able to comprehend a love to real and undying. 

What amazes me if the fact that it seems to be so much easier to feel so in love with a human; who is still a sinner however hard they try to be perfect, and yet I haven’t felt that same love for a perfect, selfless, completely faithful, forgiving and loving God; someone who was once a man and gave up everything for me. There is one who loves me more then that man I am so in love with ever could. There is one who continues to love even as I forget Him and run from Him. He more then a Father, He should be the very lover of my soul. 

It is sickening to think of how I have so abused His love for me. When things hard , instead of trusting Him, I yell at Him and demand an answer. I want  what I want when I want it. I don’t like when things don’t work out the way I think they should. I blame God for the pain and struggles, I feel angry and sometimes even forgotten. But why would someone who loves me enough to die for me even when I sit here and sin time and time again suddenly leave me? Why would He do something to hurt me? Why would He forget me? Why would He lead me somewhere and then decide to drop me off in the middle of the road to fend for myself? Men and Women might do that, but a God who loves like our God would not abandon me. So why do I question what He is doing in my life and where He is leading me? If there is any being in the world and beyond it that I should be trusting it should be the one who can do anything, understands everything, and loves unconditionally. Why do I at time choose to trust the humans over my God? 

The same Romance between a man and a woman should be something that I should be experiencing with my God; my King; my Lord. He loves me so much more than my man, He loves me so much more then I could ever imagine. His love is perfect, undying, selfless and faithful. 

As I sit here, I realize how inept I can be. A real relationship with God should be a real romance. I should want to sit here and wonder at Him and his love the same way I am about the man I love. I should want everyone to know about Him and His love the way I want everyone to know about my man’s love. I should want to praise Him and worship Him and live for Him with a passion beyond anything I have experienced. 

All I can think as I ponder this is how I have so failed my God’s love for me. He is the very center of my life and heart and yet my love often is out of obedience and obligations rather then a heart full and over flowing with love. He is so awesome, so holy and perfect. He is beyond a prince charming, He is a Lord crying out for my love in return for everything He has given up for me.  

If I can love a man with all my heart, I should be able to love my Lord beyond what my heart can describe. If I can’t understand how and why a man can love me with all my flaws. How can I even begin to comprehend how my God loves me? I should be bedazzled by Him. 

Heart Giggles

The name of this blog comes from an essay I wrote about a year ago.
For me the most important thing I can do right now is to praise God and look for the little things in life He gives me to make smile, instead of wallowing in self pity. I have discovered that when I become so consumed in how hard things are and being to question why God would allow me to go through certain situations, I am not able to give Him my all. I am not able to give to the people around me. My life becomes all about me. I don't want that. I want to be happy even when it is rough. I want to be able to give everything I have to God and the people in my life.




'Did you see the meadow today? Did you close your eyes and lie embraced in a world of vivid colors and magical sounds? Did you note the way the thin, flexible, green stems were able to hold up the buds of their blooming flowers? Everything was so beautiful and perfect. Every scent and sound entranced my heart and mind; capturing it up in a little feeling, a beautiful emotion. In that moment I could feel my heart beat and then begin giggling; that little girl in me delighted with the beauty. Have you ever heard of that- a giggling heart? It is a queer thing. I find it is odd how so many people are oblivious to the meaning of that expression. And perhaps you are asking the very question: “What is a giggling heart?”

This is a question not easily answered. It is a question based off of opinion and personal thought. Yet if you were to ask me where my opinion of a giggling heart stood I would answer simply that it is a vivid expression of delight. How did I come to this opinion, you may ask. Well it all began with my thoughts of a heart and a giggle. 

What heart am I referring to? I cannot possibly mean that the organ which circulates blood through my body is in fact giggling; laughing with short repeated breaths. But then, what do I mean when I say that my heart has begun to giggle? What heart can giggle? When I say and speak of that heart, I am referring to that thought and person inside of me. That place, where ever it may be, that is the center of my emotions and character. That place where every thought and feeling is berthed. It is heart that can love and that can hurt. It is that very part of every person that holds the key to every personal and original idea and emotion. Everyone has one- a heart as such described. Yet how can a heart such as this giggle for it is not a physical living body. Can you hear it coming from within a person as he walks along the road delighted with the city sights? Or is it more of something that is silently felt within yourself that no one else is aware of? 

A giggle that is heard is also felt when one is physically giggling. A giggle is not quite a full laugh; the kind that bursts out with little care to who hears it. It isn’t quite so forceful or obvious as is the laugh of an Italian maid. A giggle is often unexpected and more controlled than a robust laugh. It is a funny feeling in my stomach that creeps its way up and out of my mouth. It is a tickle; a delightful happiness within me coming out as an expression. And it is similar in the way a heart might giggle. A heart does not make any sounds heard by mere human ears, but the ears and feelings of the heart do hear; sometimes even more clearly than your own ears might hear. It is that child-like delight that tickles the soul and heart. It is that funny feeling I get somewhere, though I don’t exactly know where it is, only that I feel it somewhere. It is that joyful happiness that no one can criticizes or disapprove of, because no one else is aware of it. It is something you share with only yourself. It is that part of you that remains part child, finding pure amusement and wonder in the simplest of things. Yet depending on the person it could also be that part of you that delights in the complexity of life and the details of simple finds. You can feel and hear the joy within yourself. It is something that is not easily explained or understood, but it is something that will always be there if you let it. Often the sign of a giggling heart is a simple grin reflecting the deep indulgences of your inward happiness.

Is it only when you find delight or fascination in certain things that you find your heart giggling? Is it only when those fancies of life make their presence known? I do not know. I would assume so when I reflect back of the little things that spark that giggle inside of me. Things like an ingenuously written poem or rhyme, or the way that the lake water reflects the stars in the night sky-those are the little things that make my heart skip a beat and simply giggle. I don’t see why a heart would giggle if it wasn’t out of pleasure or happiness. I wouldn’t understand why some would experience heart giggle from something that brought tears to the eyes, or anger to the spirit. Though I can’t prove that it doesn’t happen in that way; I only understand it in the way of smiles and grins. It just wouldn’t make sense to frown and giggle all at the same time. I suppose that this is one of the unexplainable laws of nature. I suppose that it is just the way that humans work; that we were made to work. But I can’t explain it.

You may now be asking the question: “Whose hearts might experience such a wonderful thing as a heart giggle?” There are so many wonderful and different people, each with their unique person and heart. There are people that look at the world in so many different ways. I think that the more optimistic persons are more aware of heart giggles. I believe that when you look for the good in things that you find more to be delighted by. Where as the more pessimistic person is seeing only what terrible things might be happening, therefore he misses all of the beauty and joys that life and the world has to offer. He misses the simple pleasures of the gifts God gives each and everyday. I believe that if you desire to have a giggling heart, it helps to seek out the good and happy things in life. I believe also that if you can bring yourself to do this that you will find so much more to be thankful for and so many more things to smile about. Each giggle of your heart makes a happier man; a happier person. So after saying all of this, I mean only to point out that anyone can have a heart giggle if they can find the simple pleasures in everyday life. 

I find that every heart giggle I experience brings me closer to contentment. It brings alive in me the radiance of life and the beauty of Gods creation. I find that it is the simplest things in my life that bring out in me the purest happiness anyone can truly feel. What is it that makes your heart giggle and leap with excitement? 

This is  only my opinion of what a heart giggle means. This is what I find to be true to me. But with all of this said, it is up to you to decide what a heart giggle means to you.'