Looking into Glass

           It seems as I glance back over my shoulder at days past, everyday my world- the place inside myself which defines the things I have seen and done, the words which I have spoken and received, the faces I meet, and have seen from a distance, and the thoughts which have grown and matured in my heart- has grown in leaps and bounds, and continues to expand immeasurably day-by-day. I look into my mirror, the glass which peers with such accuracy into ones soul, so much so that I dare not question the reflection before me; it shows me things of beauty but also those things which one would choose to keep from sight, and as I stand day-by-day the image I see before me gradually reveals subtle changes about me; changes which leave evidence of the growth which has been forming within me since birth; changes for better and for worse.  

         

         I-the girl, so carefully preserved, clothed in innocence, kept apart from the world all these years so as to maintain the wistful haunting beauty of the pure ignorance of the evils of this corrupted world wherein all men have made a home-have been found now face-to-face with the strange and mysterious  revealings of the things of this world, and the things in which inhabit it, and I have been startled both in awe and disgust. This world in where I live, is like a grand story book; there things that I have seen and now heard with my own eyes and ears I believed had only existed in stories, which goes to reveal the ignorance and blissful dreaming of my heart. I have been pressed and questioned by my own beliefs which are so contradictory to the morals of this world, and I have been challenged and continue to stumble upon questions seemingly without answers. This great world in which I had been so protected from now rests at my doorstep, and I am learning and growing, maturing and strengthening my own convictions. This world is a big dark place, full of shadows and little whisperings meant to lure me away from the road I was meant to travel, but in this world there is also hope, growth and beauty beyond description.

           These past few months have brought about changes and growth in me beyond anything I could have prepared myself for. Valleys and mountains have dived and risen throughout this journey, deserts have stretched past the horizon, oceans have lapped against my walls, the roaring waves, foaming as wild beasts beset themselves upon me seeking to overwhelm me, and just as I believe I'm being drowned and washed away, overcome by the rabid surge, I always find myself,  when I open my eyes again washed upon some distant shore, and although I appear wet and battered, I am breathing and miles away from the angry sea. As I walk I encounter trials of every countenance, bearing alien emotions, fears and questions. The very things I never before imagined my heart would experience, are the very things my feet now tread upon. However though this journey is encamped with pains and questions, deep within the heart of this being, I am finding joy, and real peace in God. 

            There is something particularly exciting about walking a road less traveled, knowing that though I willing chose the harder road there is also a God whose grace surpasses the afflictions and weaknesses of self. As I walk my steps become less about how this will benefit me in the long run, but delighting in the idea of how my afflictions and infirmities make room for God's glory to be displayed. The more I walk a more difficult road, the more I find the need for God and the more I delight in His presences and His glory.  I realize more and more, how little I understand God, how little I know Him, the lack of comprehension I have of His power, love and glory. It is an exciting thoughts to imagine how much greater God is then my mind can comprehend, and yet that one day I will surly see His glory revealed among all nations.  To live for God I am finding, bring satisfaction that cannot possibly be found in living for self desires and the fleeting happiness the world offers. 

             I look into this glass and I realize that this little girl before me, is a little girl who is for the first time in her short life, beginning to see what it means to live simply for the Glory of God. I am small, and infected with sin and great weaknesses, and I see more everyday as I walk about this confused sad world that if I live for Self I have lost everything, just as those sad unhappy faces reflect the empty wanderings of their self-driven lives. I will only be filled and made complete in God, through His grace. This I now see as I watch my little mirror day-by-day. 

White Walls

            I look around me at white walls; void of color. I lay in a bed that is as strange to me as this room that I've been led into for a time. I'm far away from home; that place I know-laden with familiar comforts, pictures, and images that have evolved through my life and have become part of me and my world as I know it. But today I'm found in an unfamiliar world and it is here; in this quiet reserved, and secret abode where I am for the first time in my life, being striped down and exposed before my God and my family.

            In all honesty I find myself searching earnestly for words which would color a picture that you would be able to relate with-somthing that you could possibly understand, perhaps even more clearly than I-myself- do at this time.  But I will try and I beg you, please forgive me if my attempt proves fruitless.

          The first image I dare to describe is this: In my mind I picture myself standing before the throne of God, and as I stand there I look into His beautiful eyes, and I say: "My Lord, O My Lord! I know You!" But instead of the reciprocal joy I expect to see in His face, He simply shakes His head, and with a sad little smile, He looks at me and with sorrow He replies: "No, daughter, you do not know Me."

         Another picture is this: I stand before a mirror and in this mirror I see a woman; beautiful, kind, loving, gentle, wise, and understanding. This woman is a reflection of righteousness before God, of purity and obediences, such as the woman I've imagined myself to be. "See God, I am this woman, I am pure and righteous, and I have been obedient to You." But before my eyes, the image of this woman in the mirror becomes distorted, and when the picture again becomes one a clarity, there before me stares a child; one of ignorance, immaturity, and one speckled dirt, grime and various scrapes and bruises. A child clearly lacking knowledge, understanding and a life of purity and obedience. "Daughter, can you not see that you are still a child; still naive and of little understanding, lacking Me?"

         As I reside in the seclusion of this distant land-apart from the noise and chaos of my comfortable world; within these white walls, where quiet thoughts and questions rise among me, I find myself suddenly aware of the images that I have made of myself, and the deception that I have fallen prey of. I am finding within these strange walls, how easily I fall captive to pride, praise of self, and indulgence in the relationship I believe that I have with Christ. I am beginning to see how childish, and dirty my heart truly is. And I am recognizing my need for Christ's grace to do the work in my life and heart where I am so severely lacking Him.

        I truly believed that I was doing all I could for Christ; that I was living a life for Him, and it took bringing me out of my normal life, to open my eyes to all that I was lacking in Him. I am seeing more everyday, area's in my life where I am not living out everyday for Christ, but in effect for my own glory, comfort and pleasure. There have been things I have given to Christ in my life, but God requires all area's of my life; this I have not given to Him.


       Here I am, laying in this strange bed, within these white walls, lacking the comforts of my home, not as a woman but as a child, exposed before God, and craving Him and His grace to make me whole. My life -as I have said on so many occasions- is not my own, I need to be living for Christ in whole, not through my strength but the the grace of Christ is. I am a child, in a strange land, humbled and discovering God in a new light.

    

    




          

Like Him

         Everywhere I look I see a sign of the very existence of my God. I wonder if it is this place and the beautiful mountains which have taken captive my heart, or if through all the pain and sorrow in my heart, that it has opened me up to Him in ways I wasn't before. I look for Him everywhere, because I'm terrified to be without Him, I'm so alone through this walk and only God alone can understand it, and whenever I search I always find Him somewhere. Sometimes His whispers amongst the cat tails, His touch in the sweet breeze tenderly and lovingly stroking my cheek, His tears along side my own as the raindrops dance upon the window pane, and then there are times when I truly believe I hear Him speaking not words my ears can hear but a language my heart speaks. I know that though this is lonely I'm not alone, and God is evidently working in my heart and in my life in dramatic ways.

     I don't know yet what my life holds for me;  the things that I will do or accomplish, but I know that God is beginning to guide me through it. I have a dream, I have hope, and until God shows me that these dreams hopes are not of Him I will hold on to them with everything in me. Today, I simply pray that He would begin to make me a woman; that He would mature my heart, my thoughts, and my mind, so that I might be slightly more like Him.