As I drove to work this morning, I rolled down the windows, and let the cool Autumn breeze embrace me, and as the music surrounded me, and the clouds-white billowing puffs of mountainous mass covering the horizon- I felt like I could breathe. The crisp and refreshing air filling not simply my lungs but the deeper and more intimate part of me, was as if I were drinking from a sacred spring of precious water; yet not just a precious water, but a drink that quenched a thirst not physical but Spiritual. I felt washed and refined. It was sweet like honey, and yet a warm and fuzzy feeling that filled my stomach.
Somedays can be so hard as I try to be patient as God leads me. Somedays I just want everything to stop spinning, to stop moving; to stand completely still; completely quite. I know deep inside my heart that God is here, and that as each new day arises that He is going to not just give me strength for that day but also for the next day. Somedays I wonder why He asks some people to do hard things. Somedays I wonder why He chose me for what I feel so called to do, and walk through these next few years. Sometimes I wish for just a moment that I could see what would happen down the road as I walk so blindly by God's side. Somedays, I can't stop thinking though everything, I try to make sense of things that are simply not suppose to make sense that day.
Last time I wrote-more an week ago- I wrote of love, and how I feel so convicted to carry a selfless, sacrificial heart. I have realized that it isn't just love, that should be centered on a selfless, sacrificial heart, but also my every day; my very life objectives. Or rather that my love for God should be leading my life in a selfless and sacrificial train of thought.
I truly desire with everything in me to do with my life what God desires, but sometimes it isn't easy when I feel pressured buy the people I love so dearly to do something that I don't believe God is leading. I don't understand why God would ask things of me that people don't understand, but I suppose I don't understand God.
As each day comes and goes, I feel renewed and a growing passion within my self to give my life to God; which includes my heart, dreams, desires, and even the desire for approval from the ones I love; it means be willing to give up everything that is precious to me for the sake of living my life for Christ.
I know I may not be prepared for what will happen, or what this sacrifice may entail for my future, but I suppose if I've truly given my life to Christ completely than it isn't my life to be concerned about any more. I am a heart in a body, here to simply give what is gifted in me to God and the people He surrounds me with.
I know it may not be easy, and people won't understand why I chose to do something that doesn't make sense in the worlds eyes, but why am so worried about it if it isn't my life anymore?
That breath of air this morning, it filled me and completed me for a time. Everywhere around me and in everything I do, I'm seeing God's finger prints. It's okay to wonder, but I know I don't need worry. I'm giving my life and my desires to God. What ever happens, what ever He does with it, it is in His hands.
My prayer tonight is that God would fill me with a peace and fire that burns for Him alone.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
My Quiet Abode
I gaze about my quiet abode and I wonder how things can be so quiet for so long. My life now is constantly filled with silent waiting as I pace and attempt to figure out how God is going to work this all out. In my mind I see only one or two ways that would makes sense, but I am looking at this situation through the eyes of a human where impossible is a word and where 'dreams come true' aren't frequent. I can't see things the way that God does. He is up in the sky- in the heaven looking down not just at me but at this entire world; and He can see how every little thing said, done, or thought effects everyone in this world. I see me and the few people around me-that is all.
I know it must be possible for God to have a completely different idea of how this situation will play out and how He will bring us to the place that He has waiting for us. We can't just walk over there and begin to work. I know God has to prepare us for not just the work but the journey to that place that He is bringing us, slowly but surely. I am so afraid sometimes of the journey the idea of certain situations and road blocks that might and probably will arise. I wonder am I truly ready to do this? Am I really the person God wants to walk this road. Part of me wonders am I even worthy to be the one to walk this road. I want to live and unordinary life, but can I really qualify to be that person living the life I've been given to do what my heart longs so much to do.
I want to be God's hope and comfort and love to His people. I want to be the one who walks every day with the motive of giving everything I have to God and to His people. I want to be the one who's shoulder is always wet with the tears of hurting, lost people. I want to be the wife and help mate to the man that walks and talk in a way that people understand and feel appreciated and loved, and who can see the very face of God shining from his eyes. I don't want to have things of this world or to live a life that has approval of men, but to live a life where nothing is my own, where I spend my days with hurting people, clothing them, feeding them, talking with them and loving them with a love that only God can give. I don't want my life to be easy, simply working and taking care of my immediate family. I want my life to be working and taking care of God's family. I can't just decide to be that woman, or the wife of that man. It is something that God has to prepare me for; something that He has to create in me. And it isn't going to be easy. And I know that.
In my mind I see things that will need to happen to bring me to that place, but also in my mind there are only a few ways of getting to that place. Something I am realizing now is that, sometimes there is a bigger plan and an entirely different way that God is going to take me to get me to that point. As human I see through a humans eyes, and I work myself up and worry, and when things don't work out the way I expect sometimes instead of identifying what God just did and the ways that He just moved in my life, I focus instead on what didn't happen and how hard things became.
This journey that I am walking through with God and with my family and my friends, is not a journey that I can plan, it a journey where I wake up each day and I ask 'where are we going today'. I can't plan where we are going or what should happen, I just quietly wait on God to lead me there and as troubles and road blocks arise, then I stop and with God we work through it. Sometimes I want things to work out a certain way and I am scared of it not working out that way, and I am often so tired of just quietly waiting for God to clearly lead me somewhere where the scenery changes and I can see things moving about me. I wonder where God went. I have hard time waiting. I want to work now and be that person now, and when it doesn't feel like I am going anywhere I become restless and desperate.
God has a plan though, He knows where I want to be, but also knows where He wants me, when He wants me there, and the things that need to happen in me to prepare me for that work. So even though my room is quiet and I may not feel like anything is changing, God has bigger eyes that see much more than I.
I will wait for the day when You come and give Your dreams for me the wings that will carry us away. I will wait in this quiet room until You come and take me by the hand and lead me to the next road. Maybe I am walking now and I just don't realize it. Maybe when the night ends and the sun comes up again, I will realize that this whole time I thought nothing was happening, You really took me over mountains and deserts. I guess I won't know until the sun comes up and the birds wake up and fill this room with song again. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait.
I know it must be possible for God to have a completely different idea of how this situation will play out and how He will bring us to the place that He has waiting for us. We can't just walk over there and begin to work. I know God has to prepare us for not just the work but the journey to that place that He is bringing us, slowly but surely. I am so afraid sometimes of the journey the idea of certain situations and road blocks that might and probably will arise. I wonder am I truly ready to do this? Am I really the person God wants to walk this road. Part of me wonders am I even worthy to be the one to walk this road. I want to live and unordinary life, but can I really qualify to be that person living the life I've been given to do what my heart longs so much to do.
I want to be God's hope and comfort and love to His people. I want to be the one who walks every day with the motive of giving everything I have to God and to His people. I want to be the one who's shoulder is always wet with the tears of hurting, lost people. I want to be the wife and help mate to the man that walks and talk in a way that people understand and feel appreciated and loved, and who can see the very face of God shining from his eyes. I don't want to have things of this world or to live a life that has approval of men, but to live a life where nothing is my own, where I spend my days with hurting people, clothing them, feeding them, talking with them and loving them with a love that only God can give. I don't want my life to be easy, simply working and taking care of my immediate family. I want my life to be working and taking care of God's family. I can't just decide to be that woman, or the wife of that man. It is something that God has to prepare me for; something that He has to create in me. And it isn't going to be easy. And I know that.
In my mind I see things that will need to happen to bring me to that place, but also in my mind there are only a few ways of getting to that place. Something I am realizing now is that, sometimes there is a bigger plan and an entirely different way that God is going to take me to get me to that point. As human I see through a humans eyes, and I work myself up and worry, and when things don't work out the way I expect sometimes instead of identifying what God just did and the ways that He just moved in my life, I focus instead on what didn't happen and how hard things became.
This journey that I am walking through with God and with my family and my friends, is not a journey that I can plan, it a journey where I wake up each day and I ask 'where are we going today'. I can't plan where we are going or what should happen, I just quietly wait on God to lead me there and as troubles and road blocks arise, then I stop and with God we work through it. Sometimes I want things to work out a certain way and I am scared of it not working out that way, and I am often so tired of just quietly waiting for God to clearly lead me somewhere where the scenery changes and I can see things moving about me. I wonder where God went. I have hard time waiting. I want to work now and be that person now, and when it doesn't feel like I am going anywhere I become restless and desperate.
God has a plan though, He knows where I want to be, but also knows where He wants me, when He wants me there, and the things that need to happen in me to prepare me for that work. So even though my room is quiet and I may not feel like anything is changing, God has bigger eyes that see much more than I.
I will wait for the day when You come and give Your dreams for me the wings that will carry us away. I will wait in this quiet room until You come and take me by the hand and lead me to the next road. Maybe I am walking now and I just don't realize it. Maybe when the night ends and the sun comes up again, I will realize that this whole time I thought nothing was happening, You really took me over mountains and deserts. I guess I won't know until the sun comes up and the birds wake up and fill this room with song again. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait.
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